This Thursday is Thanksgiving. It’s high up there on my favorite holidays. I love the history of it along with the family gatherings and of course, the food! Stuffing. Mostly stuffing. But this year, it’s going to be a hard year. It will be our second holiday season without a baby while trying. Last year, we’d been trying for 6ish months. And yes, my heart was already broken by then. Thankfully, I’ve come to accept our IF a lot more than last year. It is my reality now. Apart from the lack of a child in our arms, our family is pretty much falling apart and my husband has no job. Which is why it’s even more important to be thankful.
This infertility has taught me a lot about being thankful. As any infertile knows, the sight of a belly or baby brings instant heartache. At times, that heartache can bring tears no matter where you are. Who wants to cry in the grocery store? Not me. So I began to learn to be thankful. Whenever I would feel the sting of infertility, I would say “God thank you for…” For example, I’m in the grocery store and there is a woman with a toddler in the cart and another one on the way. I pray “God thank you for those two little lives. Thank you for the gifts that they are to that mother.” When I’m driving and see those family stickers where there are 193732987 kids on it I say “Thank you for the gift of fertility you gave them. Thank you that the gift of children came so naturally to them. Thank you for the joy of so many children.”
At first, these were just words I would say. I didn’t actually mean them. In fact, I was probably feeling something more along the lines of “For real??? Six kids? I mean, why couldn’t you distribute that a little bit? Damn. A baby and another on the way? What the hell is wrong with me?” Ok, so obviously my heart is pretty terrible. And yes, I cuss when talking to God often. I did notice right away that it immediately stopped the intensity of the sting. Oh the sting was still there, but it didn’t threaten to knock me over. But at some point, something amazing happened. I began to actually mean what I prayed. I don’t even know when. I just realized at some point in time that I had just meant what I prayed. So now when I pray “God thank you for those precious little lives you gave to her” my heart is genuine. They aren’t just words. I am really thankful that God gave her those lives. When it’s moms with many children, I am safe to assume IF was never an issue, I thank him for their fertility and that God spared her the heartache of IF. Is the sting still there? Yeah. I don’t think it will ever go away. But I’m so glad God taught me a way to be thankful for things that bring me pain
; that I have eyes to see something others may not and thus, can give God glory.