It’s Just Hard

Aside

We do not have IF coverage. Correction. DH now has IF coverage. But last time I checked, the woman is involved in just about every part of treatment. Basically, we realized that the insurance was super expensive and there was no way we could afford it. It was a really hard and emotional weekend. I had filled out all the paperwork and had Matt sign and such and that’s when he caught the price. How we didn’t beforehand, I don’t know. The hardest part? Sitting there watching him struggle so much. Normally that’s me. Normally he can muster up some, “It’ll all be ok.” But not this time. I sat there with my head in my hands crying and he at the other end of the table speechless. He was angry and devastated. There were no words. The question we kept asking was, why would God give him this job with IF coverage only for it to be out of reach? It seems cruel. He shared with his guys group and he said no one said anything for minutes afterwards. No one has words. But also, no words speak a lack of love. It made me so mad to hear that happened. I know it’s uncomfortable to say something like “I’m so sorry. That makes me so mad and hurt for you.” But its also uncomfortable to be living it, as well as to receive silence from your closest friends about it.

Since we only had a short time before he couldn’t enroll anymore, we decided to just put him on it. A woman on the forum I’m a part of suggested I call and ask my insurance if I get IF medicine covered, and I do! So that was encouraging as I know that alone can be very expensive. I do feel better knowing that Matt can get checked out in June. I can finish getting tested. I’ve decided to go to a different RE. I want a Dr. who will be very thorough and I don’t feel the last one was. I want to have a full work up of blood tests and an ultra sound. I’m somewhat suspicious that I may have PCOS. So while I do that, a urologist can work with Matt. I’m not sure what they will want to do. Ideally this is how it will go down;

Beginning in June, we both go to our Dr’s and have tests done.

Dr. gives Matt medicine or surgery (not sure I want him to have that due to success rates).

I am placed on Chlomid (most likely).

Because Dr. has helped Matt’s side of things, we get pregnant naturally! 🙂

Wishful thinking I know. Wouldn’t that be great though? If since we can’t do IUI that just giving us medicine would be enough? I just really wanted to be pregnant by August….

That brings me around to this week. My mom is coming to visit. And I’m really looking forward to it, really. I am. I am also nervous. My mom knows I’ve had a hard time and even wants us to take a trip for fun because of it. Which is sweet. At the same time, she does not get it. I don’t think I really expect her to get it. I just wish she at least knew that it was really painful. It feels like she just wants to gloss over that. She wants to spend time with me but does she understand that time with just us two may be hard…if she wants to hear how I’m really doing? She also isn’t good at listening at all.

My little sister is coming to do some coffee training about an hour or two away from here. So of course, it makes sense for me to see her. I’ve been dreading this and put off making a decision for as long as possible. Then she emailed me Friday to say she would love to stay at my place Friday night. I didn’t even know this was a possibility. The thing is, the Monday before I had spent some time praying about it and felt like God was going to tell me to see her. I didn’t respond to her email. My mom texted me asking me if that would work. I was frustrated because we’re just talking logistics here, not anything to do with my heart when really that is the issue. When I talked to her Sunday I told her that. She said she thought things were fine between us because she wrote me a letter apologizing for telling me she was pregnant the way she did. This is true and the letter was sweet and genuine. That doesn’t change the fact that she is pregnant. My mom reminded me of how I had said I have to deal with pregnant people on a daily basis so she thought it was no big deal. Sigh. My little sister begin pregnant is a way bigger deal than my co-workers being pregnant. Add to that our lack of relationship, and our very rocky relationship our whole life. Also, the fact that she is a very self centered person and my mom has already told me how obsessed she is with her pregnancy and how she complains all the time. Just what I want to be around. I had told my mom before if it was my older sister it’d be different because we have a relationship and I know that the pregnancy would not loom in-between, at least I hope. With my little sister, we don’t talk so what will she want to talk about? What will be the one thing I can’t stop thinking about? The baby.

I told my mom I’d call my sister since really, my mom shouldn’t be in the middle of this. After of course I broke down crying on the phone with mom. Not sure if she noticed. Anyway, I got off the phone and cried and Matt prayed for my conversation with my sister. Earlier Sunday, at church the sermon was about not playing it safe. I was reminded of times that Jesus has taught me just that these two years. That he calls us into hard things. That he was called into the hardest thing. That life isn’t easy because he is with me. In fact, I am with him and I go where he goes. And if that is moving towards people despite the pain, than so be it. I told my friend at church that morning how I was struggling with what to do because I do not want to live a life of self-protection. And yet, that is my natural reaction. But it hurts just to think that self protecting is pushing a relationship, a person away. I want to see my sister. I want to have a relationship with her. But just imagining being around her and her cute bump makes me feel like I am about to explode.

I called my sister to tell her to come. To tell her I want to see her. Why? Because I love Jesus and he loves me. Because he asked me to move towards her even if it hurts. Because I love my sister even though she hurts me time and time again…even before the pregnancy.

It’s hard in this to not wonder why Jesus asks me to do such painful things. But he reminds me that I’m not the only one who goes through painful things. That my sister has and will go through hard things too, even though she may never understand what I go through.

When I talked to my sister she was super sweet. She goes between being very sweet and not sweet at all to me. I’m glad she was the former this time. I told her I wanted her to come…and then I started crying. So I said, “I might cry the whole time…but I want you to come.”  Obviously that puts her in a very hard place and I could hear her struggling to say how she doesn’t have to come. I told her that I wanted her to come because I don’t want her to believe that I love her less or don’t like her because she is pregnant.

Then I had to actually switch my work schedule around so I can actually spend time with her. I’m still kind of in shock that I’m doing this. I hope I’m building it up in my mind and it won’t be that hard. That my faking it skills are better than I think. However, I want to remain me. Going through counseling to be freed from shutting off my emotions was too much of a gift to forget now. I don’t know what that means in this circumstance. Do I let myself cry if I need to? Do I put on a happy face so I don’t upset my mom and sister? Maybe I will truly just be happy! If you think of it, please pray.

Four Days Late

The week of my last post I prayed specifically that Matt would have a job by the end of the week. Friday came and I went into work feeling pretty bummed about the fact that he hadn’t had a single call. Then a co-worker of mine came up to me and said,
“I have something to tell you.”
“I think I already know what it is.” I replied.
12 weeks pregnant she is. Now, she had a miscarriage in June that just broke my heart…but not hers. So I am happy for her. And I was pretty sure she was pregnant before this, but the announcement still hurt. Well, more so the thought of working with her for the next six months. I went into the back and cried. On my break I called Matt and broke down all over again. Nothing was going right. No job and now this!
A couple hours later he got a call to schedule an interview. Is that you Lord? I had no choice to believe it was. That weekend was pretty emotional. We met with our friends to sort things out (which went well). Then the message on Sunday was about Jesus healing Lazarus. Our pastor talked about how both Martha and Mary said the same thing, but Jesus responded to each differently. What a personal God he is. Just reading their remark to Jesus makes me weep.

“Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Isn’t that what all our hearts cry during suffering?  That is where our hearts have been. And he doesn’t condemn for it. He reminds us that he is the Resurrection and the Life, and he weeps with us. Matt said he felt the sermon was for him. I asked him what that meant. He figured out what I was getting at; that God spoke to him. Something he feels never happens.

That Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. This is the first church I’ve ever been to that has a service, including putting ash on your forehead. It is so sweet though. At the end of the service, everyone goes up and multiple elders are standing there with the ash and they pray for you. Not just pray for you in a generic sense, they asked each and every person, “What can I pray for you for?” So we shared quickly. The elder that prayed for us prayed that we would not ask why, but that we would know that God loves us.

The next day, he had a second interview with this company. We talked after it and talked about how we just have to trust the Lord. Now, that seems obvious. But we’ve been learning to actively do that, not just say we should do that. Later that night, he got a call saying they had an offer for him.

So, a week after I meant, he had a job. In the story of Lazarus it says,
“Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.”
By the time he got there, he was four days late. This is such a powerful passage. Because he loved them, he let him die. He later says it was so that the Father would be glorified. That is ultimately what our lives are for. Amazingly, he does this all while loving us deeply.

God provided us with a job for Matt. Finally. What feels very much like four days late.
Soli Deo Gloria.

Thankful

This Thursday is Thanksgiving. It’s high up there on my favorite holidays. I love the history of it along with the family gatherings and of course, the food! Stuffing. Mostly stuffing. But this year, it’s going to be a hard year. It will be our second holiday season without a baby while trying. Last year, we’d been trying for 6ish months. And yes, my heart was already broken by then. Thankfully, I’ve come to accept our IF a lot more than last year. It is my reality now. Apart from the lack of a child in our arms, our family is pretty much falling apart and my husband has no job. Which is why it’s even more important to be thankful.

This infertility has taught me a lot about being thankful. As any infertile knows, the sight of a belly or baby brings instant heartache. At times, that heartache can bring tears no matter where you are. Who wants to cry in the grocery store? Not me. So I began to learn to be thankful. Whenever I would feel the sting of infertility, I would say “God thank you for…” For example, I’m in the grocery store and there is a woman with a toddler in the cart and another one on the way. I pray “God thank you for those two little lives. Thank you for the gifts that they are to that mother.” When I’m driving and see those family stickers where there are 193732987 kids on it I say “Thank you for the gift of fertility you gave them. Thank you that the gift of children came so naturally to them. Thank you for the joy of so many children.”

At first, these were just words I would say. I didn’t actually mean them. In fact, I was probably feeling something more along the lines of “For real??? Six kids? I mean, why couldn’t you distribute that a little bit? Damn. A baby and another on the way? What the hell is wrong with me?”  Ok, so obviously my heart is pretty terrible. And yes, I cuss when talking to God often. I did notice right away that it immediately stopped the intensity of the sting. Oh the sting was still there, but it didn’t threaten to knock me over. But at some point, something amazing happened. I began to actually mean what I prayed. I don’t even know when. I just realized at some point in time that I had just meant what I prayed. So now when I pray “God thank you for those precious little lives you gave to her” my heart is genuine. They aren’t just words. I am really thankful that God gave her those lives. When it’s moms with many children, I am safe to assume IF was never an issue, I thank him for their fertility and that God spared her the heartache of IF. Is the sting still there? Yeah. I don’t think it will ever go away. But I’m so glad God taught me a way to be thankful for things that bring me pain
; that I have eyes to see something others may not and thus, can give God glory.

Idolator

I have idolized motherhood and a baby for a very long time now. This past year I’ve had to wrestle a lot with the idea that I am being punished for that. I guess because it feels like the people that I know that are moms had other things they were/wanted to be besides just a mom. But me, I only wanted that. So I wanted it too badly, and am now being punished. At least, that is how my heart lies to me. I do not believe that is true though. I do believe God is jealous for my heart. That he will stop at nothing to have it completely turned to him.

From the tears of my last stand,
To the idols broken by your loving hand,
turn me to worship the one true God I AM
From the hate of my deepest sin,
To the grace that purifies the depths within,
Lord turn me to repent what I can never mend.

There is so much pain in peace in know that he is breaking my idols. It’s very painful to walk through. To have all that I’ve ever know and wanted to be stripped of me. To feel vulnerable and exposed. To see the depths of the wickedness in my heart; that I have trusted on things other than the only One who is trustworthy. And to be faced with letting it all go. How I long to be able to say, as the men in Daniel said, even if he doesn’t deliver me, yet will I trust him. I have moments I can say that, but it’s said with much fear. As if me saying it and meaning it, means He will do it.

Knowing He is the one doing the breaking, makes my heart trust a lot easier. Knowing our inability to conceive is because He is preventing it, make me able to rest. At least, when I stop listening to all the fear in my heart and listening to the Spirit and His truth. Knowing his desire for me is good, and that good is himself and himself alone is the only thing that gives me hope.

Letting it out

As you can see, I’ve started a blog. I have not had a blog in years. Matt and I actually kind of met through my old blog. It’s been a while. I’ve been thinking for a while of starting this so I finally decided it was time.

Why? Well, I am still kind of figuring that all out. For one, in the past year there have been many blogs that have encouraged me by simply know I am NOT alone. I hope someone else will feel that same encouragement.
Second, I hate keeping it all in. I’m not sure that is very like me. I’m normally pretty guarded but this journey has made me not want to be that way. Also, I believe Jesus has been teaching me to share my heart with others more. We decided this is not something we’re going to keep secret. This is the path God has given us. Why should we be ashamed of it? (confession: I am all the time)
I’ve been tremendously blessed with great friends who listen to my heartache and have been there for me. Yet, there is always so much on my heart and mind I feel I’m always brimming with thoughts and emotions.
I also hope this will be a way family and friends can follow our journey and understand maybe a little better what we are going through.

So here it goes…

Disclaimer: I do not intend to hurt or offend anyone. There maybe some TMI on here. There may be feelings about something you’d rather not have known. This is your warning to stop reading before that happens 🙂