I know, second post in one day! I figure while I’m on a roll…..
I’ve been trying to stay away from Facebook lately. I feel like after *gasp* almost two years of infertility, I’ve learned that babies come in waves altogether. Right now, there is a big wave. And everyone is due around the same time. August. I know, Christmas babies. One being my coworker, the other my younger sister. I was really sad about the idea of working with a pregnant woman, but I had gotten over it mostly rationalizing it wouldn’t be terrible because we don’t work together a lot, and I don’t’ think her personality is the type to talk about it a lot over the next months.
Last night we had a meeting at work. I usually enjoy meetings at work. This was a quick and to the point one. At the end, my manager says,
“I’m having a baby in September and thought you should all know.”
My reaction: *gasp* You are?? Oh my goodness! When are you due? Congratulations!
This reaction was genuine. And it felt sooooo good to have a genuine happy reaction for someone being pregnant. Why would I be so happy? Well, since coming to this store in April, we have talked on and off about our desire for children but how it just doens’t seem to be happening. She has shared with me how she has really long and irregular cycles. She has also shared how she isn’t sure her husband even wants children. When I went made an appointment to the RE, she was proud because she was too terrified to.
My second reaction hitting about 2 seconds after the first: OMG OMG OMG I am sitting inbetween two pregnant women. OMG don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. No, those are tears you are feeling. Think about soemthing else other than the fact that now you have to work with TWO pregnant women!!!
Fight or flight sure kicked in…and I flew! It was the end of the meeting and I got up and got out of there asap. I am so happy for my manager. But I also am hurt and feel kind of betrayed. I feel like she knows how much I hurt over it. When my little sister told me they were going to not try not prevent, I told her to prepare for my nervous breakdown in a month. Of course, she didn’t see my nervous break down, but I did tell her about it. So now, here she is sharing this news in a group. Why didn’t she tell me first? Give me a chance to react. Instead I had to fight so hard to not cry and I almost lost the battle. I’m not a public crier at all, but I know if I hadn’t left when I did, everyone would have seen tears. I guess it’s hard because it’s a reminder that she never really had infertility. Ok, I can’t really say that. But there is a difference between the people who actively try and those who “hope” they have sex at the right time. Honestly, I wonder if she hadn’t been pregnant yet simply due to low libido. Sigh. But it also reminds me of the difference between someone who has gone through IF. I cannot believe if she had, she would have done what she did. So really, I can’t, and won’t blame her for announcing the way she did. She simply doesn’t understand. That makes me sad because I’m reminded of how alone I am.
I got in the car, broke down and said, “Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me.” I had to say that because all I was feeling is, “Jesus hates me.” He doesn’t, so I tried to remind myself of the truth. I came home and cried while Matt held me. It’s really hard knowing so many people are pregnant right now…and I know more will come. Including my other sister and very possibly my sister in law. If that happens, I feel like I will die. I don’t want to miss out on everyone’s lives, but all I want to do right now is go into a hole and never come out.
It’s also hard knowing that while Matt has a job now (and a good one…we think!) we can’t just jump into treatment. It doesn’t pay amazing, and because of his unemployment we need to make sure we’re caught up and at least somewhat stable before trying to do treatment. Who knows how long that’ll take. Which means more babies by that time. Also, three months till it’s been two years. I. cannot. believe. it. Every cycle closer to two years confirms that we have the real deal infertility. sigh.
After my breakdown and dinner last night, I decided to research what Matts new jobs benefits are. He will have the same health insurance company I will actually. I went online to see if I could figure out his plan. When I looked on the paper given him, it says bcbsil.com That is, Blue Cross Blue Shield ILLINOIS. Did you hear that??? ILLINOIS. His insurance is through Illinois!! Sure enough, right on their website it says it covers infertility. Illinois is one of the 15 states with mandated infertility coverage. My heart began to pound. Could it be? Could it be that God gave Matt this very job for more reasons than just a decent job???? As you may have guessed, the company is based in Illinois, that’s why their health insurance is through there. It’s so funny how my heart can be so devastated one minute and feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, to being so hopeful the next! I couldn’t find his companies plan, so I just called BCBS. The lady said she can’t answer until she sees their plan, BUT if they do have IF coverage, even though we aren’t in IL, we would have the coverage still. !!!!! Holy smokes. Now, she also said (and I stayed up too late researching and confirmed this) that although IL has a mandate, there are exemptions. The ones I’ve learned of, Matt’s company would not qualify for. However, that does not mean there isn’t something that does exempt them. Basically, it just depends on what his employer picked up.
That would be so completely amazing. I cannot even begin to exclaim. But I’m trying to be hopeful, without putting all my hope in it. I have learned that I really can only trust in Christ. And if that means we have IF coverage, praise the Lord! And if it means we don’t, praise the Lord!
P.s. we wont’ know until he is able to sign up for benefits. He doesn’t start until at the earliest, next week. Please pray that his insurance covers IF! Until then, I am holding my breath. I’ll practice my TWW patience…..only its double because I actually am in the TWW!