My time with my mom was really good. It was actually even encouraging. I was pleasantly surprised.
The good part about being open about infertility is that you can say what you’re actually thinking. The bad part is that you actually say what you’re thinking. I felt like my mom saw a lot of the anger in my heart. That really made me sad. But it was a good eye opener for me to see my sin. At one point my mom asked me something to the effect of “What would it take for you to be ok?” I don’t think she used that wording, but it was similar. I said I never would be until I was a mother. I said I really do believe we are called to be parents, so I’ll always ache until we are. I was also able to share about the cycle of grief of infertility How each month is a grieving process all over again but with no resolve. I felt like she got it (as best as a non-infertile can). She didn’t push or say I was wrong. Although, at one point when I was whining about how we have to think about the cost of treatment and how we can pursue that when normal people get to plan past that…they have the kid and plan for that and after that. Basically I was expressing the pity party in my heart and wanted her to join. She didn’t. She told me that she doesn’t think that’s true because everyone goes through hard things they’re just different. I felt like she was honest and yet not condemning in her rebuke. I think for someone to be able to remind someone of the truth, they have to first acknowledge the pain and the struggle of the other person. If she had said that prior to listening and expressing hurt with me, I do not believe I could have received her reminder.
I’ve struggled with faith on and off a lot the past two years. Do I simply believe that we will be parents one day? Or do I have faith that God is sovereign and whatever he wants he will do? Or are they one and the same? I believe in my head they’re one and the same, but it’s doesn’t transcend to my heart. We talked about that and about prayer. She told me she believes I will be pregnant and have a child one day and when she prays, she feels God tell her he has a time. She then reminded me of the vision she had.
Back in October of 2011, when we had been trying for 4-5 months, she said she was praying for me and had a vision of a little embryo growing in me. She didn’t know we were even trying and assumed I must be pregnant. So she called me to tell me it and I cried of course. When she told me it again this time, I asked if she was sure it wasn’t my little sister who is now pregnant. She laughed and said no, she knew it was me.
I then was reminded of the verse I was given on June 10, 2011. I underline verses in my Bible when I really like them. I will also put a date by them when I believe it was the Holy Spirit actually speaking to me. We began actively trying in June, but in April is when we stopped preventing. So by June 10th, I was already kinda bummed I wasn’t pregnant yet. The verse is Psalm 113: 9
He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord.
Honestly, I’ve kind of forgotten about that verse and the fact that God gave it to me. When my mom reminded me again of her vision, it reminded me of this verse so I told her about it. I think to my mom it’s like “See! He gave you that verse to encourage you and remind you because he saw the storm ahead.” To me, I’ve doubted whether that was actually from the Lord. When I read it back in June, I simply took it as God showing me that he would make me a mother. I don’t think I hardly paid attention to the barren part of it. So I guess, if God spoke to me telling me I would be a mother, why do I doubt that it’s true? Because I’m terrified I guess. Hope is so scary. Faith is scary. There are so many what ifs that pop into my head. However, after telling the story of that verse aloud to my mom, I feel so blessed that God would give me that verse at the beginning. Prior to my knowledge of my own bareness. To have something to remind myself of. To be able to point back and know that he will do what he has said he will do.
My time with my sister was ok. She very much is the same immature girl she’s always been. I think she’s just better about masking that so it only comes out in moments. Like at dinner when the conversation became about someone else instead of her, she completely checked out. Then had a coughing fit. Then called her midwife. On a Friday night at dinner time. Because she was coughing. She tried to explain it to us without using the p word so I said, “You mean pregnant?” She had to have a specific pillow to hold onto because otherwise her back hurts. She had to lie down in the car. She had to take a nap in the middle of the day. This was all toned down according to my mother. “She really is trying to not make it painful for you guys.” Sadly, I believe she is right. I hate to see what she is like around fertiles! shudder. It was actually quite painful to be around her, but I managed. In the evening I was ready to talk about the baby, ask her if they have a name and such, but she was in her own world, calling her husband and such. I don’t doubt that she was trying to keep her distance because she thought it’d be easier for me. However, I think she also did it because she thought it’d be easier for herself.