Mom & Preggo Sister Visit

Aside

My time with my mom was really good. It was actually even encouraging. I was pleasantly surprised.

The good part about being open about infertility is that you can say what you’re actually thinking. The bad part is that you actually say what you’re thinking. I felt like my mom saw a lot of the anger in my heart. That really made me sad. But it was a good eye opener for me to see my sin. At one point my mom asked me something to the effect of “What would it take for you to be ok?” I don’t think she used that wording, but it was similar.  I said I never would be until I was a mother. I said I really do believe we are called to be parents, so I’ll always ache until we are. I was also able to share about the cycle of grief of infertility  How each month is a grieving process all over again but with no resolve. I felt like she got it (as best as a non-infertile can). She didn’t push or say I was wrong. Although, at one point when I was whining about how we have to think about the cost of treatment and how we can pursue that when normal people get to plan past that…they have the kid and plan for that and after that. Basically I was expressing the pity party in my heart and wanted her to join. She didn’t. She told me that she doesn’t think that’s true because everyone goes through hard things they’re just different. I felt like she was honest and yet not condemning in her rebuke. I think for someone to be able to remind someone of the truth, they have to first acknowledge the pain and the struggle of the other person. If she had said that prior to listening and expressing hurt with me, I do not believe I could have received her reminder.

I’ve struggled with faith on and off a lot the past two years. Do I simply believe that we will be parents one day? Or do I have faith that God is sovereign and whatever he wants he will do? Or are they one and the same? I believe in my head they’re one and the same, but it’s doesn’t transcend to my heart. We talked about that and about prayer. She told me she believes I will be pregnant and have a child one day and when she prays, she feels God tell her he has a time. She then reminded me of the vision she had.
Back in October of 2011, when we had been trying for 4-5 months, she said she was praying for me and had a vision of a little embryo growing in me. She didn’t know we were even trying and assumed I must be pregnant. So she called me to tell me it and I cried of course. When she told me it again this time, I asked if she was sure it wasn’t my little sister who is now pregnant. She laughed and said no, she knew it was me.

I then was reminded of the verse I was given on June 10, 2011. I underline verses in my Bible when I really like them. I will also put a date by them when I believe it was the Holy Spirit actually speaking to me. We began actively trying in June, but in April is when we stopped preventing. So by June 10th, I was already kinda bummed I wasn’t pregnant yet. The verse is Psalm 113: 9

He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord.

Honestly, I’ve kind of forgotten about that verse and the fact that God gave it to me. When my mom reminded me again of her vision, it reminded me of this verse so I told her about it. I think to my mom it’s like “See! He gave you that verse to encourage you and remind you because he saw the storm ahead.” To me, I’ve doubted whether that was actually from the Lord. When I read it back in June, I simply took it as God showing me that he would make me a mother. I don’t think I hardly paid attention to the barren part of it. So I guess, if God spoke to me telling me I would be a mother, why do I doubt that it’s true? Because I’m terrified I guess. Hope is so scary. Faith is scary. There are so many what ifs that pop into my head. However, after telling the story of that verse aloud to my mom, I feel so blessed that God would give me that verse at the beginning. Prior to my knowledge of my own bareness. To have something to remind myself of. To be able to point back and know that he will do what he has said he will do.

 

My time with my sister was ok. She very much is the same immature girl she’s always been. I think she’s just better about masking that so it only comes out in moments. Like at dinner when the conversation became about someone else instead of her, she completely checked out. Then had a coughing fit. Then called her midwife. On a Friday night at dinner time. Because she was coughing. She tried to explain it to us without using the p word so I said, “You mean pregnant?” She had to have a specific pillow to hold onto because otherwise her back hurts. She had to lie down in the car. She had to take a nap in the middle of the day. This was all toned down according to my mother. “She really is trying to not make it painful for you guys.” Sadly, I believe she is right. I hate to see what she is like around fertiles! shudder. It was actually quite painful to be around her, but I managed. In the evening I was ready to talk about the baby, ask her if they have a name and such, but she was in her own world, calling her husband and such. I don’t doubt that she was trying to keep her distance because she thought it’d be easier for me. However, I think she also did it because she thought it’d be easier for herself.

It’s Just Hard

Aside

We do not have IF coverage. Correction. DH now has IF coverage. But last time I checked, the woman is involved in just about every part of treatment. Basically, we realized that the insurance was super expensive and there was no way we could afford it. It was a really hard and emotional weekend. I had filled out all the paperwork and had Matt sign and such and that’s when he caught the price. How we didn’t beforehand, I don’t know. The hardest part? Sitting there watching him struggle so much. Normally that’s me. Normally he can muster up some, “It’ll all be ok.” But not this time. I sat there with my head in my hands crying and he at the other end of the table speechless. He was angry and devastated. There were no words. The question we kept asking was, why would God give him this job with IF coverage only for it to be out of reach? It seems cruel. He shared with his guys group and he said no one said anything for minutes afterwards. No one has words. But also, no words speak a lack of love. It made me so mad to hear that happened. I know it’s uncomfortable to say something like “I’m so sorry. That makes me so mad and hurt for you.” But its also uncomfortable to be living it, as well as to receive silence from your closest friends about it.

Since we only had a short time before he couldn’t enroll anymore, we decided to just put him on it. A woman on the forum I’m a part of suggested I call and ask my insurance if I get IF medicine covered, and I do! So that was encouraging as I know that alone can be very expensive. I do feel better knowing that Matt can get checked out in June. I can finish getting tested. I’ve decided to go to a different RE. I want a Dr. who will be very thorough and I don’t feel the last one was. I want to have a full work up of blood tests and an ultra sound. I’m somewhat suspicious that I may have PCOS. So while I do that, a urologist can work with Matt. I’m not sure what they will want to do. Ideally this is how it will go down;

Beginning in June, we both go to our Dr’s and have tests done.

Dr. gives Matt medicine or surgery (not sure I want him to have that due to success rates).

I am placed on Chlomid (most likely).

Because Dr. has helped Matt’s side of things, we get pregnant naturally! 🙂

Wishful thinking I know. Wouldn’t that be great though? If since we can’t do IUI that just giving us medicine would be enough? I just really wanted to be pregnant by August….

That brings me around to this week. My mom is coming to visit. And I’m really looking forward to it, really. I am. I am also nervous. My mom knows I’ve had a hard time and even wants us to take a trip for fun because of it. Which is sweet. At the same time, she does not get it. I don’t think I really expect her to get it. I just wish she at least knew that it was really painful. It feels like she just wants to gloss over that. She wants to spend time with me but does she understand that time with just us two may be hard…if she wants to hear how I’m really doing? She also isn’t good at listening at all.

My little sister is coming to do some coffee training about an hour or two away from here. So of course, it makes sense for me to see her. I’ve been dreading this and put off making a decision for as long as possible. Then she emailed me Friday to say she would love to stay at my place Friday night. I didn’t even know this was a possibility. The thing is, the Monday before I had spent some time praying about it and felt like God was going to tell me to see her. I didn’t respond to her email. My mom texted me asking me if that would work. I was frustrated because we’re just talking logistics here, not anything to do with my heart when really that is the issue. When I talked to her Sunday I told her that. She said she thought things were fine between us because she wrote me a letter apologizing for telling me she was pregnant the way she did. This is true and the letter was sweet and genuine. That doesn’t change the fact that she is pregnant. My mom reminded me of how I had said I have to deal with pregnant people on a daily basis so she thought it was no big deal. Sigh. My little sister begin pregnant is a way bigger deal than my co-workers being pregnant. Add to that our lack of relationship, and our very rocky relationship our whole life. Also, the fact that she is a very self centered person and my mom has already told me how obsessed she is with her pregnancy and how she complains all the time. Just what I want to be around. I had told my mom before if it was my older sister it’d be different because we have a relationship and I know that the pregnancy would not loom in-between, at least I hope. With my little sister, we don’t talk so what will she want to talk about? What will be the one thing I can’t stop thinking about? The baby.

I told my mom I’d call my sister since really, my mom shouldn’t be in the middle of this. After of course I broke down crying on the phone with mom. Not sure if she noticed. Anyway, I got off the phone and cried and Matt prayed for my conversation with my sister. Earlier Sunday, at church the sermon was about not playing it safe. I was reminded of times that Jesus has taught me just that these two years. That he calls us into hard things. That he was called into the hardest thing. That life isn’t easy because he is with me. In fact, I am with him and I go where he goes. And if that is moving towards people despite the pain, than so be it. I told my friend at church that morning how I was struggling with what to do because I do not want to live a life of self-protection. And yet, that is my natural reaction. But it hurts just to think that self protecting is pushing a relationship, a person away. I want to see my sister. I want to have a relationship with her. But just imagining being around her and her cute bump makes me feel like I am about to explode.

I called my sister to tell her to come. To tell her I want to see her. Why? Because I love Jesus and he loves me. Because he asked me to move towards her even if it hurts. Because I love my sister even though she hurts me time and time again…even before the pregnancy.

It’s hard in this to not wonder why Jesus asks me to do such painful things. But he reminds me that I’m not the only one who goes through painful things. That my sister has and will go through hard things too, even though she may never understand what I go through.

When I talked to my sister she was super sweet. She goes between being very sweet and not sweet at all to me. I’m glad she was the former this time. I told her I wanted her to come…and then I started crying. So I said, “I might cry the whole time…but I want you to come.”  Obviously that puts her in a very hard place and I could hear her struggling to say how she doesn’t have to come. I told her that I wanted her to come because I don’t want her to believe that I love her less or don’t like her because she is pregnant.

Then I had to actually switch my work schedule around so I can actually spend time with her. I’m still kind of in shock that I’m doing this. I hope I’m building it up in my mind and it won’t be that hard. That my faking it skills are better than I think. However, I want to remain me. Going through counseling to be freed from shutting off my emotions was too much of a gift to forget now. I don’t know what that means in this circumstance. Do I let myself cry if I need to? Do I put on a happy face so I don’t upset my mom and sister? Maybe I will truly just be happy! If you think of it, please pray.

Aside

I’ve been in a slump. Not writing…obviously. Not sure why. Once I stop, it’s a lot harder to start up again. Also, Thanksgiving and Christmas were both fairly painful to go through. We were basically alone, although Matt’s mom was with us for part of both days. We have family that lives down the street from us. But our relationship is really broken right now. The hardest part of that was my nephew. He is two and a half and I’m sure was a blast opening gifts with. Also, all my nieces that we skyped with very briefly. We did get a video from our family down the street of our nephew opening his gifts from us. It was probably my favorite gift on Christmas…and also the most painful. Not only because we were not there to watch him open it, or because it was a reminder of the broken relationship we have with his parents, but also because it was a reminder of what we are missing out in terms of not having a child on Christmas ourselves. 

My little sister got married in October. She told me sometime in November that they were going to not try not prevent. I prepared myself for the worst, but of course didn’t hope it would happen…anytime soon. It did. Yes, I’m heartbroken. Yes, I’m angry. It was hard because I found out the day after AF showed up early. It was hard because that cycle I had prayed and prayed hard. I had hoped. More than I had let myself in a while. It’s always like that isn’t it? So, my little sister who has been married for three months, will give birth to a child before me who has been married for six years and wants to give birth desperately. It just isn’t fair. Why does God feel the need to torture me? The night before I found out (which was not through my sister and I still have yet to talk to her) Matt was talking about this fear that he has and it feels like it’s happening. I told him I had to face some of my worst fears this past year and God met me in them and carried me through and he would do the same for Matt. I also said I was probably on the horizon of my worst fears (only much deeper, worser! fears) all over again. I didn’t mean literally! Thankfully I know that God is faithful and he will meet me and he will carry me through again. 

When I spent with time him the next morning, this verse kept coming to mind 

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51

The next day at my Bible study I shared about all this and the rest of my life which all seems very broken right now. Later that night I got a text from my friend with this verse. I don’t know all that he is trying to teach me through it, but it was good to have confirmation that he is with me and that he wants my heart broken, for it certainly is. 

Yeah so I prett…

Aside

Yeah so I pretty much stopped writing. I keep thinking of all these posts to write, but I never get to it. So we’re just gonna do bullets!

  • I started school this semester after being out of it for six years. It’s made life crazy, stressful and fun! I really enjoy learning and am glad for the chance to finally go to school. Now that I’ve started, I have a hard time with the idea of not finishing. But I’m not sure what will happen.
  • We still haven’t heard from our insurance as to whether or not Matt is covered. If he’s not, that puts the next year a really long hold from any sort of actively trying. Oh joy.
  • He has another SA next week. A lot is riding on that. If the results come back similar, we know that is the problem. If it doesn’t, either the first one was a fluke, or the vitamins have been working. I am fully prepared for it to be as bad as the first one. If it is, we do…nothing! Unless he is covered by insurance, in which case a urologist appointment? Surgery?
  • He also is seriously looking into some sort of IT training class. Again. Yeah. He was supposed to do that years ago. The reality of our situation has really made him realize the importance of a good job.
  • Why does God think infertility is a good thing to give to us with zero money??
  • He also seems to be struggling more with our IF than I even I am lately. Again, I think it goes back to the job and lack of money thing. He feels very responsible for that. It’s all kind of connected to him. If he had a better job he’d get paid more, we’d have more money, we could afford fertility treatment, we could have a baby. That is all on his shoulders. 😦 It’s a big weight, and obviously not all true. Money doesn’t produce children.
  • Vacations with family with children are painful. Even when they are the cutest kids ever. Every “Daddy!” and “Mommy!” is like a  knife to the heart.
  • They become even harder when a child’s choice of movie for the whole trip is Ice Age 3. I tried to avoid ever seeing the whole thing, but it’s about the squirrel who wants to be a parent, is told he can’t be, adopts for a day…blah blah blah. Like REALLY? That movie had to be on?
  • Harder yet, when one of the children there is the exact age the age the child you “should” have is. It’s probably best to not hold them very much, but don’t worry, everyone will pretend you are fine and acts like they don’t notice you avoiding the babe.
  • They are also very painful when every person on vacation with you knows of your pain…and says not a word about it. What the hell. I was expressing my struggle with trying to be gracious towards them and hurt with a friend, and she said it sounds kind of like grieving a death. YES. If said families child had died earlier this year and we went on a trip and not a single person mentioned the lost child, how painful would that be for the parent? Pretty damn painful I’d guess. That is exactly what it’s like. I’ve thought about this for a couple days. I want to say, “Well, it’s not quite that intense,” but I can’t seem to actually believe that. Just because we didn’t lose a child we all knew, doesn’t mean we don’t grieve the child we are yet to hold. Doesn’t mean we don’t think about how we should have a child on the trip. It would be nice if others did too.
  • All that to say, there is a lot of power in acknowledging someones pain. I’ve learned this a lot this year. Just saying, “That is really hurtful,” or “What you are going through is hard,” does wonders for any person. Try it sometimes.

 

That’s all I have time for. 🙂 Cheers.