First RE visit

Yesterday we had our first appointment with an RE. It took a lot to finally get here…emotionally. We sat in the office waiting and a mom and two little girls came in. Really? I know many RE offices have a no children policy, but this place was connected to other Dr offices. It wasn’t terrible, just a reminder of why we were there.

The nurse took us back to a room with a table and we sat and she asked us some basic health questions. I had filled out the intimate questions online, so thankfully she didn’t have to ask us those. Then Dr. B came in. He is an older man who is really casual and easy going. He looked at my charts from the past year, of which only about half did I really temp. It was funny too because when he got to the ones where I didn’t he goes, “Oh and here you gave up.” Yep, you got it! The ones he looked at he felt that my temps didn’t stay high enough after ovulation (during the luteal phase). I have actually felt that before and thought  I need some progesterone. He wasn’t worried about it, saying based on my cycles he guess the majority of them were fine. But I think when we get to the treatment phase, I will ask for progesterone.

We didn’t have Matt’s analysis’ from the lab, so I just told him the numbers I knew. Which were basically all of them 🙂 So from there we talked about IUI. It was really great for Matt to hear what he had to say and to see the little diagram of how it works. When we got home, he said, “I didn’t realize sperm had so far to go!” Ha, yeah and with his slow ones, they obviously aren’t making it. I was so glad Matt was there and he was super involved asking his own questions. We asked if he had any estimate on what his post wash numbers would be based on the two SA’s already done. He didn’t give any numbers, which I understand. He said he only does 3 IUI’s before moving on to IVF. I knew this was probably the case, though it’s scary. He felt pretty confident that IUI would work, giving us a 60% chance. I then asked him what our chances were naturally right now. I had guessed before somewhere around 3%. He said 2%. The good news is I was close, huh?

He wants me to have an HSG, which I wanted anyway. That’s really the only test for me. Part of that is because I already had a few CD3 blood work done. Also, as suspected he thinks our only issue is male factor. I am glad for that. He even went as far as to say we will get pregnant, then was like “I don’t want to get your hopes up, but a healthy 24 year old will get pregnant. If IUI doesn’t work and you do IVF and we put embryos in, you will get pregnant.” Glad for his vote of confidence! The thing is, I do not want to entertain the thought of IVF anytime soon.

He also wants Matt to ice his balls. Yes. For real. If I hadn’t read about doing this in a book about holistic fertility methods, I’d be skeptical as I can’t find much about it online. Matt actually did it for about a week when I read about it last year. Now he has a Dr.’s order! After 60 days or so of that, he will have another SA to see what the results are. I believe he is going to have his sperm washed too so that we know what kind of numbers we would have to do an IUI. To be honest, I’m a little nervous about that. His last SA only had 2% rapid motility. That would put his post wash numbers much lower than the necessary 10 mil.  The “ice therapy” as he called it, specifically doubles motility. Hopefully it does at least that. Matt has been back on vitamins and he’s been really faithful about it without me reminding him, which is great. Maybe the combination will work……

Overall I was fairly pleased. The thing I am a little concerned about is the lack of more testing. He didn’t do an exam or an ultrasound or anything. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I thought at least that. He also only wants me to have an HSG. I kinda thought there would be more. Yes, I’ve had a couple blood tests, but there are many more we could do. I guess I’m not sure if I should be concerned about all that or not.

I’m glad that we are moving forward and also that it is slowly moving. We plan on doing IUI but it won’t be for a couple months after the next SA and after my HSG in a few weeks. IUIs at this place are way cheaper than others in the area (actually two buildings down is the big RE office, like the Walmart of RE’s or something). But we can’t do it right now because Matt still doesn’t have a job. We are praying that that will chance by the time we are ready to do an IUI so we can afford it! It’s funny, I wanted to go slow, but now that we’ve got this far, I want to do an IUI tomorrow….although I guess I would have to ovulating for that to work, but that’s beside the point. I’m just ready to not be waiting. Really, I’m so freakin ready to be pregnant.

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SA, what now, & adoption

While at my sisters wedding, we got the results from Matt’s SA. I had to call the RE office multiple times, and they called me back even though it was supposed to be my obgyn office. They called me Monday and were much ruder and less hopeful. Thanks ladies!

So to the numbers:
Concentration: 36 mil (5 mil better than first SA)
Motility: Rapid 2% 
             Slow 22
             Non 32
             Immotile 44
   Worse than before. First one was 8% rapid and 26% slow, making a total of 35% motility. This one makes total motility at 24%.

Morphology: 5% (first was 1%)

This was obviously the best part! I’ve read a lot and came to the conclusion that you pretty much couldn’t change morphology. Apparently, that’s not true! Either that or the first one, or this one, was a fluke. Let’s hope the former. Obgyn told me that morph was too low. What do they know? Or right, how to deliver babies. RE told me morph was greatly improved and was now normal, which I knew as soon as she read it to me. Yay! So happy about this. 

Unfortunately, the 24% motility is not great. With the total sperm count, this means that we have 21 mil motile sperm. Only 2% are the fast one…the ones most likely to reach the egg in time. Sigh. While count is “normal”, if it were higher this would obviously increase total motile sperm. 

We decided not to try till October. It’s November. We’re still not trying. Matt lost his job so it’s hard to think about having a baby with him without employment. Where does this leave us? I don’t know. Right now, he is studying for a certification and I have classes. I’m thankful that keeps our minds preoccupied, but it doesn’t stop time. It doesn’t change the fact that we have been TTC for 17ish months now. Or that two years isn’t that far away and without a miracle or seeking medical assistance, I don’t have any real hope of anything changing. Maybe it’s for the best. In essence, life doesn’t feel like it’s moving for us. In one of my classes, we had to write down two roles we see ourselves in in ten years and steps to get there. WIth going to school, I’ve tried to figure out what I could pursue. WHat kind of career would I have if I could do anything? But you know what the only answer that came to mind when in the class was? Mother. That’s the only role I want in ten years. That’s the only role I see in ten years. (Ok yes, wife and friend and all those too). Then I sit there in class thinking, “WHat the hell am I doing in school when nothing in my heart has changed as to what I want to do with my life?” I guess I hope that if I have a job that pays good we can a) afford fertility treatment and b) our kids wont be raised poor like we both were. Other than that, I still don’t care to have a career. Although, I do think about the possibilites of being a nurse or something and going on mission trips. Or being a social working helping families adopt. I’d love either of those too. 

Random thought: I am terrified that we will never have a biological child and be forced to adopt. Not that I wouldn’t love to adopt, quite the opposite. The more the journey continues, the longer we’ve been at our church which is very encouraging of adoption, the more I love the idea. THAT scares. Maybe God is softening my heart to the idea because that is what we are called to. In that sense, I am totally and completely thrilled. But I don’t want to have only adopted children. I want at least one biological child as well. The first time I realized I would be completely happy to adopt and be able to love someone else’s child as my own is when a month or two ago I was watching a documentary on sex trafficking. There is a girls home in Indonesia for girls who’ve been trafficked. Watching those little 5 year olds….I just knew. I wanted to right then and there go get them and bring them home and show them what it means to be truly loved. For who they are. Unconditionally. And I knew, if God opened that door to do that one day, I would be overjoyed. I just don’t want that to replace the joy of seeing my husbands face in my childs one day. 

SA today

I would do anything to take my husbands place. I wish it was me. Maybe partly it is, who knows. He told me he is glad it’s him because he can actually sympathize with me because of it 😦
Breaks. My. Heart.