SA, what now, & adoption

While at my sisters wedding, we got the results from Matt’s SA. I had to call the RE office multiple times, and they called me back even though it was supposed to be my obgyn office. They called me Monday and were much ruder and less hopeful. Thanks ladies!

So to the numbers:
Concentration: 36 mil (5 mil better than first SA)
Motility: Rapid 2% 
             Slow 22
             Non 32
             Immotile 44
   Worse than before. First one was 8% rapid and 26% slow, making a total of 35% motility. This one makes total motility at 24%.

Morphology: 5% (first was 1%)

This was obviously the best part! I’ve read a lot and came to the conclusion that you pretty much couldn’t change morphology. Apparently, that’s not true! Either that or the first one, or this one, was a fluke. Let’s hope the former. Obgyn told me that morph was too low. What do they know? Or right, how to deliver babies. RE told me morph was greatly improved and was now normal, which I knew as soon as she read it to me. Yay! So happy about this. 

Unfortunately, the 24% motility is not great. With the total sperm count, this means that we have 21 mil motile sperm. Only 2% are the fast one…the ones most likely to reach the egg in time. Sigh. While count is “normal”, if it were higher this would obviously increase total motile sperm. 

We decided not to try till October. It’s November. We’re still not trying. Matt lost his job so it’s hard to think about having a baby with him without employment. Where does this leave us? I don’t know. Right now, he is studying for a certification and I have classes. I’m thankful that keeps our minds preoccupied, but it doesn’t stop time. It doesn’t change the fact that we have been TTC for 17ish months now. Or that two years isn’t that far away and without a miracle or seeking medical assistance, I don’t have any real hope of anything changing. Maybe it’s for the best. In essence, life doesn’t feel like it’s moving for us. In one of my classes, we had to write down two roles we see ourselves in in ten years and steps to get there. WIth going to school, I’ve tried to figure out what I could pursue. WHat kind of career would I have if I could do anything? But you know what the only answer that came to mind when in the class was? Mother. That’s the only role I want in ten years. That’s the only role I see in ten years. (Ok yes, wife and friend and all those too). Then I sit there in class thinking, “WHat the hell am I doing in school when nothing in my heart has changed as to what I want to do with my life?” I guess I hope that if I have a job that pays good we can a) afford fertility treatment and b) our kids wont be raised poor like we both were. Other than that, I still don’t care to have a career. Although, I do think about the possibilites of being a nurse or something and going on mission trips. Or being a social working helping families adopt. I’d love either of those too. 

Random thought: I am terrified that we will never have a biological child and be forced to adopt. Not that I wouldn’t love to adopt, quite the opposite. The more the journey continues, the longer we’ve been at our church which is very encouraging of adoption, the more I love the idea. THAT scares. Maybe God is softening my heart to the idea because that is what we are called to. In that sense, I am totally and completely thrilled. But I don’t want to have only adopted children. I want at least one biological child as well. The first time I realized I would be completely happy to adopt and be able to love someone else’s child as my own is when a month or two ago I was watching a documentary on sex trafficking. There is a girls home in Indonesia for girls who’ve been trafficked. Watching those little 5 year olds….I just knew. I wanted to right then and there go get them and bring them home and show them what it means to be truly loved. For who they are. Unconditionally. And I knew, if God opened that door to do that one day, I would be overjoyed. I just don’t want that to replace the joy of seeing my husbands face in my childs one day.