It’s Just Hard

Aside

We do not have IF coverage. Correction. DH now has IF coverage. But last time I checked, the woman is involved in just about every part of treatment. Basically, we realized that the insurance was super expensive and there was no way we could afford it. It was a really hard and emotional weekend. I had filled out all the paperwork and had Matt sign and such and that’s when he caught the price. How we didn’t beforehand, I don’t know. The hardest part? Sitting there watching him struggle so much. Normally that’s me. Normally he can muster up some, “It’ll all be ok.” But not this time. I sat there with my head in my hands crying and he at the other end of the table speechless. He was angry and devastated. There were no words. The question we kept asking was, why would God give him this job with IF coverage only for it to be out of reach? It seems cruel. He shared with his guys group and he said no one said anything for minutes afterwards. No one has words. But also, no words speak a lack of love. It made me so mad to hear that happened. I know it’s uncomfortable to say something like “I’m so sorry. That makes me so mad and hurt for you.” But its also uncomfortable to be living it, as well as to receive silence from your closest friends about it.

Since we only had a short time before he couldn’t enroll anymore, we decided to just put him on it. A woman on the forum I’m a part of suggested I call and ask my insurance if I get IF medicine covered, and I do! So that was encouraging as I know that alone can be very expensive. I do feel better knowing that Matt can get checked out in June. I can finish getting tested. I’ve decided to go to a different RE. I want a Dr. who will be very thorough and I don’t feel the last one was. I want to have a full work up of blood tests and an ultra sound. I’m somewhat suspicious that I may have PCOS. So while I do that, a urologist can work with Matt. I’m not sure what they will want to do. Ideally this is how it will go down;

Beginning in June, we both go to our Dr’s and have tests done.

Dr. gives Matt medicine or surgery (not sure I want him to have that due to success rates).

I am placed on Chlomid (most likely).

Because Dr. has helped Matt’s side of things, we get pregnant naturally! 🙂

Wishful thinking I know. Wouldn’t that be great though? If since we can’t do IUI that just giving us medicine would be enough? I just really wanted to be pregnant by August….

That brings me around to this week. My mom is coming to visit. And I’m really looking forward to it, really. I am. I am also nervous. My mom knows I’ve had a hard time and even wants us to take a trip for fun because of it. Which is sweet. At the same time, she does not get it. I don’t think I really expect her to get it. I just wish she at least knew that it was really painful. It feels like she just wants to gloss over that. She wants to spend time with me but does she understand that time with just us two may be hard…if she wants to hear how I’m really doing? She also isn’t good at listening at all.

My little sister is coming to do some coffee training about an hour or two away from here. So of course, it makes sense for me to see her. I’ve been dreading this and put off making a decision for as long as possible. Then she emailed me Friday to say she would love to stay at my place Friday night. I didn’t even know this was a possibility. The thing is, the Monday before I had spent some time praying about it and felt like God was going to tell me to see her. I didn’t respond to her email. My mom texted me asking me if that would work. I was frustrated because we’re just talking logistics here, not anything to do with my heart when really that is the issue. When I talked to her Sunday I told her that. She said she thought things were fine between us because she wrote me a letter apologizing for telling me she was pregnant the way she did. This is true and the letter was sweet and genuine. That doesn’t change the fact that she is pregnant. My mom reminded me of how I had said I have to deal with pregnant people on a daily basis so she thought it was no big deal. Sigh. My little sister begin pregnant is a way bigger deal than my co-workers being pregnant. Add to that our lack of relationship, and our very rocky relationship our whole life. Also, the fact that she is a very self centered person and my mom has already told me how obsessed she is with her pregnancy and how she complains all the time. Just what I want to be around. I had told my mom before if it was my older sister it’d be different because we have a relationship and I know that the pregnancy would not loom in-between, at least I hope. With my little sister, we don’t talk so what will she want to talk about? What will be the one thing I can’t stop thinking about? The baby.

I told my mom I’d call my sister since really, my mom shouldn’t be in the middle of this. After of course I broke down crying on the phone with mom. Not sure if she noticed. Anyway, I got off the phone and cried and Matt prayed for my conversation with my sister. Earlier Sunday, at church the sermon was about not playing it safe. I was reminded of times that Jesus has taught me just that these two years. That he calls us into hard things. That he was called into the hardest thing. That life isn’t easy because he is with me. In fact, I am with him and I go where he goes. And if that is moving towards people despite the pain, than so be it. I told my friend at church that morning how I was struggling with what to do because I do not want to live a life of self-protection. And yet, that is my natural reaction. But it hurts just to think that self protecting is pushing a relationship, a person away. I want to see my sister. I want to have a relationship with her. But just imagining being around her and her cute bump makes me feel like I am about to explode.

I called my sister to tell her to come. To tell her I want to see her. Why? Because I love Jesus and he loves me. Because he asked me to move towards her even if it hurts. Because I love my sister even though she hurts me time and time again…even before the pregnancy.

It’s hard in this to not wonder why Jesus asks me to do such painful things. But he reminds me that I’m not the only one who goes through painful things. That my sister has and will go through hard things too, even though she may never understand what I go through.

When I talked to my sister she was super sweet. She goes between being very sweet and not sweet at all to me. I’m glad she was the former this time. I told her I wanted her to come…and then I started crying. So I said, “I might cry the whole time…but I want you to come.”  Obviously that puts her in a very hard place and I could hear her struggling to say how she doesn’t have to come. I told her that I wanted her to come because I don’t want her to believe that I love her less or don’t like her because she is pregnant.

Then I had to actually switch my work schedule around so I can actually spend time with her. I’m still kind of in shock that I’m doing this. I hope I’m building it up in my mind and it won’t be that hard. That my faking it skills are better than I think. However, I want to remain me. Going through counseling to be freed from shutting off my emotions was too much of a gift to forget now. I don’t know what that means in this circumstance. Do I let myself cry if I need to? Do I put on a happy face so I don’t upset my mom and sister? Maybe I will truly just be happy! If you think of it, please pray.

The Crazy of Infertility

I had a lot of better ideas for a post, but now this is on my mind. So sorry for the lame post.

Today is CD14. Yep, time to be gettin it on. Matt will be thrilled, ha.  Anyway, that’s not my point. The last four days I’ve been cramping. I often will get a cramp or two around O, but not consistently, and not this early. So what do I do? I begin to think, “Maybe I’m pregnant.” Ridiculous right? I mean, I had my period two weeks ago. Yet I know crazier things have happened. Because the cramping  has remained (and its not painful, just dull aching), I decided to take a test. Yep, that’s how crazy I am. To balance my crazy out, I decided to take an OPK with it. This was after I got home from work. So I took it, then went and made lunch. Totally forgot about it. About 45 minutes later I come back to this,

Image

 

Yeah. So now what am I supposed to do with that? Logically, the test sat too long and I should have thrown it away and not even looked at it. Infertility makes you crazy though, so I had to look! And now, logically I shouldn’t think anything of it. But I can’t help myself! The OPK was positive or almost positive as well…also after sitting that long. Honestly, I’ve taken a few dozen of these tests and that is the closest to a second line I’ve ever seen. Even after sitting (yeah, I have a habit of letting them sit)……someone please bring me back to reality. We have infertility…there is no way we can I can be pregnant…I’m in the middle of my cycle……

This is why I hate infertility. Even when you know you can’t be pregnant, even after you’ve done your best to come to terms with that, even after it/you’ve squashed all hope, hope rears it head again. Always to bring you back down to reality; you are infertile and cannot get pregnant. 

Longest 20 Minutes

Today during my lunch break, I called the insurance company. I finally had been given the company policy number and gave it to the lady. She proceeded to look it up. She took her sweet time. She asked my name. She asked the companies name. She hemmed and hawwed. I was going crazy! Honestly, I have not been thinking too much about finding out this answer. But now that it was here, I was a nervous wreck. In a sense it was nice because it gave me time to think, time to pray.

Lord I trust you. No matter what happens, I trust you. 

I said Psalm 13 multiple times. “But I trust in your steadfast love. My heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.”

By the time she found what she was looking for, I was basically crying.

Finally, she said “It looks like yes, infertility is covered.”
OMG. I asked her if it just said “Yes” its covered or what it said. She went into to details that confirmed, we will have coverage. 

I told her, “That is amazing. You have made my day.” 

Then I got off the phone and cried. I couldn’t stop crying! I really can’t believe it . I mean, how crazy that the job he got is based in Illinois! And their policy has coverage! I have to believe its an answer to prayer. Of course, I know treatment does not equal a baby. But to be able to go through treatment to try without going into debt, is a huge blessing. 

We have a lot to pray about in the next three months while we wait for it to kick in. Do we proceed with treatment right away? My heart says yes, of course. But the reality is, we’re really not financially stable in anyway right now. What would I do if we got pregnant and after the baby came? Right now, I have to work. So then who would watch the baby? All those things we have to think about. Whether or not we pursue treatment immediately, I feel  very blessed to have this. 

Could it be?

I know, second post in one day! I figure while I’m on a roll…..

I’ve been trying to stay away from Facebook lately. I feel like after *gasp* almost two years of infertility, I’ve learned that babies come in waves altogether. Right now, there is a big wave. And everyone is due around the same time. August. I know, Christmas babies. One being my coworker, the other my younger sister. I was really sad about the idea of working with a pregnant woman, but I had gotten over it mostly rationalizing it wouldn’t be terrible because we don’t work together a lot, and I don’t’ think her personality is the type to talk about it a lot over the next months.

Last night we had a meeting at work. I usually enjoy meetings at work. This was a quick and to the point one. At the end, my manager says,
“I’m having a baby in September and thought you should all know.”
My reaction: *gasp* You are?? Oh my goodness! When are you due? Congratulations!

This reaction was genuine. And it felt sooooo good to have a genuine happy reaction for someone being pregnant. Why would I be so happy? Well, since coming to this store in April, we have talked on and off about our desire for children but how it just doens’t seem to be happening. She has shared with me how she has really long and irregular cycles. She has also shared how she isn’t sure her husband even wants children. When I went made an appointment to the RE, she was proud because she was too terrified to.

My second reaction hitting about 2 seconds after the first: OMG OMG OMG I am sitting inbetween two pregnant women. OMG don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. No, those are tears you are feeling. Think about soemthing else other than the fact that now you have to work with TWO pregnant women!!!

Fight or flight sure kicked in…and I flew! It was the end of the meeting and I got up and got out of there asap. I am so happy for my  manager. But I also am hurt and feel kind of betrayed. I feel like she knows how much I hurt over it. When my little sister told me they were going to not try not prevent, I told her to prepare for my nervous breakdown in a month. Of course, she didn’t see my nervous break down, but I did tell her about it. So now, here she is sharing this news in a group. Why didn’t she tell me first? Give me a chance to react. Instead I had to fight so hard to not cry and I almost lost the battle. I’m not a public crier at all, but I know if I hadn’t left when I did, everyone would have seen tears. I guess it’s hard because it’s a reminder that she never really had infertility. Ok, I can’t really say that. But there is a difference between the people who actively try and those who “hope” they have sex at the right time. Honestly, I wonder if she hadn’t been pregnant yet simply due to low libido. Sigh. But it also reminds me of the difference between someone who has gone through IF. I cannot believe if she had, she would have done what she did. So really, I can’t, and won’t blame her for announcing the way she did. She simply doesn’t understand. That makes me sad because I’m reminded of how alone I am.

I got in the car, broke down and said, “Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me.” I had to say that because all I was feeling is, “Jesus hates me.” He doesn’t, so I tried to remind myself of the truth. I came home and cried while Matt held me. It’s really hard knowing so many people are pregnant right now…and I know more will come. Including my other sister and very possibly my sister in law. If that happens, I feel like I will die. I don’t want to miss out on everyone’s lives, but all I want to do right now is go into a hole and never come out.
It’s also hard knowing that while Matt has a job now (and a good one…we think!) we can’t just jump into treatment. It doesn’t pay amazing, and because of his unemployment  we need to make sure we’re caught up and at least somewhat stable before trying to do treatment. Who knows how long that’ll take. Which means more babies by that time. Also, three months till it’s been two years. I. cannot. believe. it. Every cycle closer to two years confirms that we have the real deal infertility. sigh.

After my breakdown and dinner last night, I decided to research what Matts new jobs benefits are. He will have the same health insurance company I will actually. I went online to see if I could figure out his plan. When I looked on the paper given him, it says bcbsil.com That is, Blue Cross Blue Shield ILLINOIS. Did you hear that??? ILLINOIS. His insurance is through Illinois!! Sure enough, right on their website it says it covers infertility. Illinois is one of the 15 states with mandated infertility coverage. My heart began to pound. Could it be? Could it be that God gave Matt this very job for more reasons than just a decent job???? As you may have guessed, the company is based in Illinois, that’s why their health insurance is through there. It’s so funny how my heart can be so devastated one minute and feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, to being so hopeful the next! I couldn’t find his companies plan, so I just called BCBS. The lady said she can’t answer until she sees their plan, BUT if they do have IF coverage, even though we aren’t in IL, we would have the coverage still. !!!!! Holy smokes. Now, she also said (and I stayed up too late researching and confirmed this) that although IL has a mandate, there are exemptions. The ones I’ve learned of, Matt’s company would not qualify for. However, that does not mean there isn’t something that does exempt them. Basically, it just depends on what his employer picked up.

That would be so completely amazing. I cannot even begin to exclaim. But I’m trying to be hopeful, without putting all my hope in it. I have learned that I really can only trust in Christ. And if that means we have IF coverage, praise the Lord! And if it means we don’t, praise the Lord!

P.s. we wont’ know until he is able to sign up for benefits. He doesn’t start until at the earliest, next week. Please pray that his insurance covers IF! Until then, I am holding my breath. I’ll practice my TWW patience…..only its double because I actually am in the TWW!

Four Days Late

The week of my last post I prayed specifically that Matt would have a job by the end of the week. Friday came and I went into work feeling pretty bummed about the fact that he hadn’t had a single call. Then a co-worker of mine came up to me and said,
“I have something to tell you.”
“I think I already know what it is.” I replied.
12 weeks pregnant she is. Now, she had a miscarriage in June that just broke my heart…but not hers. So I am happy for her. And I was pretty sure she was pregnant before this, but the announcement still hurt. Well, more so the thought of working with her for the next six months. I went into the back and cried. On my break I called Matt and broke down all over again. Nothing was going right. No job and now this!
A couple hours later he got a call to schedule an interview. Is that you Lord? I had no choice to believe it was. That weekend was pretty emotional. We met with our friends to sort things out (which went well). Then the message on Sunday was about Jesus healing Lazarus. Our pastor talked about how both Martha and Mary said the same thing, but Jesus responded to each differently. What a personal God he is. Just reading their remark to Jesus makes me weep.

“Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Isn’t that what all our hearts cry during suffering?  That is where our hearts have been. And he doesn’t condemn for it. He reminds us that he is the Resurrection and the Life, and he weeps with us. Matt said he felt the sermon was for him. I asked him what that meant. He figured out what I was getting at; that God spoke to him. Something he feels never happens.

That Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. This is the first church I’ve ever been to that has a service, including putting ash on your forehead. It is so sweet though. At the end of the service, everyone goes up and multiple elders are standing there with the ash and they pray for you. Not just pray for you in a generic sense, they asked each and every person, “What can I pray for you for?” So we shared quickly. The elder that prayed for us prayed that we would not ask why, but that we would know that God loves us.

The next day, he had a second interview with this company. We talked after it and talked about how we just have to trust the Lord. Now, that seems obvious. But we’ve been learning to actively do that, not just say we should do that. Later that night, he got a call saying they had an offer for him.

So, a week after I meant, he had a job. In the story of Lazarus it says,
“Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.”
By the time he got there, he was four days late. This is such a powerful passage. Because he loved them, he let him die. He later says it was so that the Father would be glorified. That is ultimately what our lives are for. Amazingly, he does this all while loving us deeply.

God provided us with a job for Matt. Finally. What feels very much like four days late.
Soli Deo Gloria.

A list

Let’s make a list. A list of all the shit going on in my life

  • Can’t make a baby.
  • AF arrived today
  • Little sis had an ultrasound today, along with old friend who didn’t even know her hubby when we knew her.
  • Little sis still has not spoken to me and I’m pretty sure has written me off the planet. Maybe its for the best eh?
  • Gave first speech in speech class today. The speech after mine? About her 11 week old baby growing inside her. God must have got a nice laugh out of that one, and I’ll be honest, I had to laugh too.
  • This past week Matt has decided he may have testicular cancer. And to be honest, I’m not convinced he doesn’t. We are convinced he has a varicocele, but (TMI here) there is some serious hardness down there that is concerning. He needs to get to the urologist asap. He doesn’t have health insurance.
  • We are out of money. I knew this was coming, but lived blissfully unaware of how soon it would happen allowing hubby to carry that burden. Now, we can’t pay our mortgage this month. The good news is that we have a really awesome church body.
  • We had to go to the deacons for money. This was a very humbling (my first reaction is humiliating, but they are so sweet and gracious and take the humiliation away for us). They did more than just give us money, they met with us and asked us how were doing. It was sweet to have a deacon feel frustrated with us and say to us, “The world is fucked up.” Amen, my brother. Amen.
  • Matt has no job…obviously, thus the point before this. 
  • We have no relationship with our family here. My family is far away. This is both hard, leaving us to feel we are pretty alone. We have my mother-in-law and her mom, but those relationships are very shallow and not meaningful…even when we try to take them deeper. 
  • Matt has no relationship with his dad.
  • I have no relationship with my dad….although there has been some contact and I am hopeful for reconciliation in the future.
  • We have no money to have any fertility treatment.
  • We can’t make a baby…have I mentioned this one yet?
  • Our close knit group of friends is having struggles. I have no doubt we will all work things out, but its been hard the past week or two feeling like all these relationships are tangled and a mess and we really don’t know how to resolve everything.
  • Due to all of this going on, Matt and I’s relationship has been struggling. We are in a pressure cooker right now and there is constant crap coming out. It’s really not fun. 
  • Matt feels completely abandoned by God. I try to encourage him, but then I look around us and feel the exact same way.
  • He also has not received his W2s from the family member we don’t’ have a relationship with. Now we have to figure out how to contact them to ask for them.
  • This family has stopped receiving counsel from the people they were, for seemingly unnecessary reasons, leaving us to believe there is not much hope for future reconciliation anytime soon.  
  • We still  can’t make a baby.

Pardon me while I go crawl in a hole somewhere….
I believe the hole leads to watching the rest of Downton Abbey. Seems like a nice solution to me!

First RE visit

Yesterday we had our first appointment with an RE. It took a lot to finally get here…emotionally. We sat in the office waiting and a mom and two little girls came in. Really? I know many RE offices have a no children policy, but this place was connected to other Dr offices. It wasn’t terrible, just a reminder of why we were there.

The nurse took us back to a room with a table and we sat and she asked us some basic health questions. I had filled out the intimate questions online, so thankfully she didn’t have to ask us those. Then Dr. B came in. He is an older man who is really casual and easy going. He looked at my charts from the past year, of which only about half did I really temp. It was funny too because when he got to the ones where I didn’t he goes, “Oh and here you gave up.” Yep, you got it! The ones he looked at he felt that my temps didn’t stay high enough after ovulation (during the luteal phase). I have actually felt that before and thought  I need some progesterone. He wasn’t worried about it, saying based on my cycles he guess the majority of them were fine. But I think when we get to the treatment phase, I will ask for progesterone.

We didn’t have Matt’s analysis’ from the lab, so I just told him the numbers I knew. Which were basically all of them 🙂 So from there we talked about IUI. It was really great for Matt to hear what he had to say and to see the little diagram of how it works. When we got home, he said, “I didn’t realize sperm had so far to go!” Ha, yeah and with his slow ones, they obviously aren’t making it. I was so glad Matt was there and he was super involved asking his own questions. We asked if he had any estimate on what his post wash numbers would be based on the two SA’s already done. He didn’t give any numbers, which I understand. He said he only does 3 IUI’s before moving on to IVF. I knew this was probably the case, though it’s scary. He felt pretty confident that IUI would work, giving us a 60% chance. I then asked him what our chances were naturally right now. I had guessed before somewhere around 3%. He said 2%. The good news is I was close, huh?

He wants me to have an HSG, which I wanted anyway. That’s really the only test for me. Part of that is because I already had a few CD3 blood work done. Also, as suspected he thinks our only issue is male factor. I am glad for that. He even went as far as to say we will get pregnant, then was like “I don’t want to get your hopes up, but a healthy 24 year old will get pregnant. If IUI doesn’t work and you do IVF and we put embryos in, you will get pregnant.” Glad for his vote of confidence! The thing is, I do not want to entertain the thought of IVF anytime soon.

He also wants Matt to ice his balls. Yes. For real. If I hadn’t read about doing this in a book about holistic fertility methods, I’d be skeptical as I can’t find much about it online. Matt actually did it for about a week when I read about it last year. Now he has a Dr.’s order! After 60 days or so of that, he will have another SA to see what the results are. I believe he is going to have his sperm washed too so that we know what kind of numbers we would have to do an IUI. To be honest, I’m a little nervous about that. His last SA only had 2% rapid motility. That would put his post wash numbers much lower than the necessary 10 mil.  The “ice therapy” as he called it, specifically doubles motility. Hopefully it does at least that. Matt has been back on vitamins and he’s been really faithful about it without me reminding him, which is great. Maybe the combination will work……

Overall I was fairly pleased. The thing I am a little concerned about is the lack of more testing. He didn’t do an exam or an ultrasound or anything. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I thought at least that. He also only wants me to have an HSG. I kinda thought there would be more. Yes, I’ve had a couple blood tests, but there are many more we could do. I guess I’m not sure if I should be concerned about all that or not.

I’m glad that we are moving forward and also that it is slowly moving. We plan on doing IUI but it won’t be for a couple months after the next SA and after my HSG in a few weeks. IUIs at this place are way cheaper than others in the area (actually two buildings down is the big RE office, like the Walmart of RE’s or something). But we can’t do it right now because Matt still doesn’t have a job. We are praying that that will chance by the time we are ready to do an IUI so we can afford it! It’s funny, I wanted to go slow, but now that we’ve got this far, I want to do an IUI tomorrow….although I guess I would have to ovulating for that to work, but that’s beside the point. I’m just ready to not be waiting. Really, I’m so freakin ready to be pregnant.

Aside

I’ve been in a slump. Not writing…obviously. Not sure why. Once I stop, it’s a lot harder to start up again. Also, Thanksgiving and Christmas were both fairly painful to go through. We were basically alone, although Matt’s mom was with us for part of both days. We have family that lives down the street from us. But our relationship is really broken right now. The hardest part of that was my nephew. He is two and a half and I’m sure was a blast opening gifts with. Also, all my nieces that we skyped with very briefly. We did get a video from our family down the street of our nephew opening his gifts from us. It was probably my favorite gift on Christmas…and also the most painful. Not only because we were not there to watch him open it, or because it was a reminder of the broken relationship we have with his parents, but also because it was a reminder of what we are missing out in terms of not having a child on Christmas ourselves. 

My little sister got married in October. She told me sometime in November that they were going to not try not prevent. I prepared myself for the worst, but of course didn’t hope it would happen…anytime soon. It did. Yes, I’m heartbroken. Yes, I’m angry. It was hard because I found out the day after AF showed up early. It was hard because that cycle I had prayed and prayed hard. I had hoped. More than I had let myself in a while. It’s always like that isn’t it? So, my little sister who has been married for three months, will give birth to a child before me who has been married for six years and wants to give birth desperately. It just isn’t fair. Why does God feel the need to torture me? The night before I found out (which was not through my sister and I still have yet to talk to her) Matt was talking about this fear that he has and it feels like it’s happening. I told him I had to face some of my worst fears this past year and God met me in them and carried me through and he would do the same for Matt. I also said I was probably on the horizon of my worst fears (only much deeper, worser! fears) all over again. I didn’t mean literally! Thankfully I know that God is faithful and he will meet me and he will carry me through again. 

When I spent with time him the next morning, this verse kept coming to mind 

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51

The next day at my Bible study I shared about all this and the rest of my life which all seems very broken right now. Later that night I got a text from my friend with this verse. I don’t know all that he is trying to teach me through it, but it was good to have confirmation that he is with me and that he wants my heart broken, for it certainly is. 

Video

I tried to post this before, but it wouldn’t work from my phone. I’m thankful for songs like this, for people who can put to music what IF feels like. And that someone even wrote about it! It helps in making me feel less alone.
Don’t fight the tears when you watch it 🙂

Thankful

This Thursday is Thanksgiving. It’s high up there on my favorite holidays. I love the history of it along with the family gatherings and of course, the food! Stuffing. Mostly stuffing. But this year, it’s going to be a hard year. It will be our second holiday season without a baby while trying. Last year, we’d been trying for 6ish months. And yes, my heart was already broken by then. Thankfully, I’ve come to accept our IF a lot more than last year. It is my reality now. Apart from the lack of a child in our arms, our family is pretty much falling apart and my husband has no job. Which is why it’s even more important to be thankful.

This infertility has taught me a lot about being thankful. As any infertile knows, the sight of a belly or baby brings instant heartache. At times, that heartache can bring tears no matter where you are. Who wants to cry in the grocery store? Not me. So I began to learn to be thankful. Whenever I would feel the sting of infertility, I would say “God thank you for…” For example, I’m in the grocery store and there is a woman with a toddler in the cart and another one on the way. I pray “God thank you for those two little lives. Thank you for the gifts that they are to that mother.” When I’m driving and see those family stickers where there are 193732987 kids on it I say “Thank you for the gift of fertility you gave them. Thank you that the gift of children came so naturally to them. Thank you for the joy of so many children.”

At first, these were just words I would say. I didn’t actually mean them. In fact, I was probably feeling something more along the lines of “For real??? Six kids? I mean, why couldn’t you distribute that a little bit? Damn. A baby and another on the way? What the hell is wrong with me?”  Ok, so obviously my heart is pretty terrible. And yes, I cuss when talking to God often. I did notice right away that it immediately stopped the intensity of the sting. Oh the sting was still there, but it didn’t threaten to knock me over. But at some point, something amazing happened. I began to actually mean what I prayed. I don’t even know when. I just realized at some point in time that I had just meant what I prayed. So now when I pray “God thank you for those precious little lives you gave to her” my heart is genuine. They aren’t just words. I am really thankful that God gave her those lives. When it’s moms with many children, I am safe to assume IF was never an issue, I thank him for their fertility and that God spared her the heartache of IF. Is the sting still there? Yeah. I don’t think it will ever go away. But I’m so glad God taught me a way to be thankful for things that bring me pain
; that I have eyes to see something others may not and thus, can give God glory.