A list

Let’s make a list. A list of all the shit going on in my life

• Can’t make a baby.
• AF arrived today
• Little sis had an ultrasound today, along with old friend who didn’t even know her hubby when we knew her.
• Little sis still has not spoken to me and I’m pretty sure has written me off the planet. Maybe its for the best eh?
• Gave first speech in speech class today. The speech after mine? About her 11 week old baby growing inside her. God must have got a nice laugh out of that one, and I’ll be honest, I had to laugh too.
• This past week Matt has decided he may have testicular cancer. And to be honest, I’m not convinced he doesn’t. We are convinced he has a varicocele, but (TMI here) there is some serious hardness down there that is concerning. He needs to get to the urologist asap. He doesn’t have health insurance.
• We are out of money. I knew this was coming, but lived blissfully unaware of how soon it would happen allowing hubby to carry that burden. Now, we can’t pay our mortgage this month. The good news is that we have a really awesome church body.
• We had to go to the deacons for money. This was a very humbling (my first reaction is humiliating, but they are so sweet and gracious and take the humiliation away for us). They did more than just give us money, they met with us and asked us how were doing. It was sweet to have a deacon feel frustrated with us and say to us, “The world is fucked up.” Amen, my brother. Amen.
• Matt has no job…obviously, thus the point before this. 
• We have no relationship with our family here. My family is far away. This is both hard, leaving us to feel we are pretty alone. We have my mother-in-law and her mom, but those relationships are very shallow and not meaningful…even when we try to take them deeper. 
• Matt has no relationship with his dad.
• I have no relationship with my dad….although there has been some contact and I am hopeful for reconciliation in the future.
• We have no money to have any fertility treatment.
• We can’t make a baby…have I mentioned this one yet?
• Our close knit group of friends is having struggles. I have no doubt we will all work things out, but its been hard the past week or two feeling like all these relationships are tangled and a mess and we really don’t know how to resolve everything.
• Due to all of this going on, Matt and I’s relationship has been struggling. We are in a pressure cooker right now and there is constant crap coming out. It’s really not fun. 
• Matt feels completely abandoned by God. I try to encourage him, but then I look around us and feel the exact same way.
• He also has not received his W2s from the family member we don’t’ have a relationship with. Now we have to figure out how to contact them to ask for them.
• This family has stopped receiving counsel from the people they were, for seemingly unnecessary reasons, leaving us to believe there is not much hope for future reconciliation anytime soon.  
• We still  can’t make a baby.

Pardon me while I go crawl in a hole somewhere….
I believe the hole leads to watching the rest of Downton Abbey. Seems like a nice solution to me!

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First RE visit

Yesterday we had our first appointment with an RE. It took a lot to finally get here…emotionally. We sat in the office waiting and a mom and two little girls came in. Really? I know many RE offices have a no children policy, but this place was connected to other Dr offices. It wasn’t terrible, just a reminder of why we were there.

The nurse took us back to a room with a table and we sat and she asked us some basic health questions. I had filled out the intimate questions online, so thankfully she didn’t have to ask us those. Then Dr. B came in. He is an older man who is really casual and easy going. He looked at my charts from the past year, of which only about half did I really temp. It was funny too because when he got to the ones where I didn’t he goes, “Oh and here you gave up.” Yep, you got it! The ones he looked at he felt that my temps didn’t stay high enough after ovulation (during the luteal phase). I have actually felt that before and thought  I need some progesterone. He wasn’t worried about it, saying based on my cycles he guess the majority of them were fine. But I think when we get to the treatment phase, I will ask for progesterone.

We didn’t have Matt’s analysis’ from the lab, so I just told him the numbers I knew. Which were basically all of them 🙂 So from there we talked about IUI. It was really great for Matt to hear what he had to say and to see the little diagram of how it works. When we got home, he said, “I didn’t realize sperm had so far to go!” Ha, yeah and with his slow ones, they obviously aren’t making it. I was so glad Matt was there and he was super involved asking his own questions. We asked if he had any estimate on what his post wash numbers would be based on the two SA’s already done. He didn’t give any numbers, which I understand. He said he only does 3 IUI’s before moving on to IVF. I knew this was probably the case, though it’s scary. He felt pretty confident that IUI would work, giving us a 60% chance. I then asked him what our chances were naturally right now. I had guessed before somewhere around 3%. He said 2%. The good news is I was close, huh?

He wants me to have an HSG, which I wanted anyway. That’s really the only test for me. Part of that is because I already had a few CD3 blood work done. Also, as suspected he thinks our only issue is male factor. I am glad for that. He even went as far as to say we will get pregnant, then was like “I don’t want to get your hopes up, but a healthy 24 year old will get pregnant. If IUI doesn’t work and you do IVF and we put embryos in, you will get pregnant.” Glad for his vote of confidence! The thing is, I do not want to entertain the thought of IVF anytime soon.

He also wants Matt to ice his balls. Yes. For real. If I hadn’t read about doing this in a book about holistic fertility methods, I’d be skeptical as I can’t find much about it online. Matt actually did it for about a week when I read about it last year. Now he has a Dr.’s order! After 60 days or so of that, he will have another SA to see what the results are. I believe he is going to have his sperm washed too so that we know what kind of numbers we would have to do an IUI. To be honest, I’m a little nervous about that. His last SA only had 2% rapid motility. That would put his post wash numbers much lower than the necessary 10 mil.  The “ice therapy” as he called it, specifically doubles motility. Hopefully it does at least that. Matt has been back on vitamins and he’s been really faithful about it without me reminding him, which is great. Maybe the combination will work……

Overall I was fairly pleased. The thing I am a little concerned about is the lack of more testing. He didn’t do an exam or an ultrasound or anything. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I thought at least that. He also only wants me to have an HSG. I kinda thought there would be more. Yes, I’ve had a couple blood tests, but there are many more we could do. I guess I’m not sure if I should be concerned about all that or not.

I’m glad that we are moving forward and also that it is slowly moving. We plan on doing IUI but it won’t be for a couple months after the next SA and after my HSG in a few weeks. IUIs at this place are way cheaper than others in the area (actually two buildings down is the big RE office, like the Walmart of RE’s or something). But we can’t do it right now because Matt still doesn’t have a job. We are praying that that will chance by the time we are ready to do an IUI so we can afford it! It’s funny, I wanted to go slow, but now that we’ve got this far, I want to do an IUI tomorrow….although I guess I would have to ovulating for that to work, but that’s beside the point. I’m just ready to not be waiting. Really, I’m so freakin ready to be pregnant.

I’ve been in a slump. Not writing…obviously. Not sure why. Once I stop, it’s a lot harder to start up again. Also, Thanksgiving and Christmas were both fairly painful to go through. We were basically alone, although Matt’s mom was with us for part of both days. We have family that lives down the street from us. But our relationship is really broken right now. The hardest part of that was my nephew. He is two and a half and I’m sure was a blast opening gifts with. Also, all my nieces that we skyped with very briefly. We did get a video from our family down the street of our nephew opening his gifts from us. It was probably my favorite gift on Christmas…and also the most painful. Not only because we were not there to watch him open it, or because it was a reminder of the broken relationship we have with his parents, but also because it was a reminder of what we are missing out in terms of not having a child on Christmas ourselves. 

My little sister got married in October. She told me sometime in November that they were going to not try not prevent. I prepared myself for the worst, but of course didn’t hope it would happen…anytime soon. It did. Yes, I’m heartbroken. Yes, I’m angry. It was hard because I found out the day after AF showed up early. It was hard because that cycle I had prayed and prayed hard. I had hoped. More than I had let myself in a while. It’s always like that isn’t it? So, my little sister who has been married for three months, will give birth to a child before me who has been married for six years and wants to give birth desperately. It just isn’t fair. Why does God feel the need to torture me? The night before I found out (which was not through my sister and I still have yet to talk to her) Matt was talking about this fear that he has and it feels like it’s happening. I told him I had to face some of my worst fears this past year and God met me in them and carried me through and he would do the same for Matt. I also said I was probably on the horizon of my worst fears (only much deeper, worser! fears) all over again. I didn’t mean literally! Thankfully I know that God is faithful and he will meet me and he will carry me through again. 

When I spent with time him the next morning, this verse kept coming to mind 

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51

The next day at my Bible study I shared about all this and the rest of my life which all seems very broken right now. Later that night I got a text from my friend with this verse. I don’t know all that he is trying to teach me through it, but it was good to have confirmation that he is with me and that he wants my heart broken, for it certainly is. 

I tried to post this before, but it wouldn’t work from my phone. I’m thankful for songs like this, for people who can put to music what IF feels like. And that someone even wrote about it! It helps in making me feel less alone.
Don’t fight the tears when you watch it 🙂

SA, what now, & adoption

While at my sisters wedding, we got the results from Matt’s SA. I had to call the RE office multiple times, and they called me back even though it was supposed to be my obgyn office. They called me Monday and were much ruder and less hopeful. Thanks ladies!

So to the numbers:
Concentration: 36 mil (5 mil better than first SA)
Motility: Rapid 2% 
             Slow 22
             Non 32
             Immotile 44
   Worse than before. First one was 8% rapid and 26% slow, making a total of 35% motility. This one makes total motility at 24%.

Morphology: 5% (first was 1%)

This was obviously the best part! I’ve read a lot and came to the conclusion that you pretty much couldn’t change morphology. Apparently, that’s not true! Either that or the first one, or this one, was a fluke. Let’s hope the former. Obgyn told me that morph was too low. What do they know? Or right, how to deliver babies. RE told me morph was greatly improved and was now normal, which I knew as soon as she read it to me. Yay! So happy about this. 

Unfortunately, the 24% motility is not great. With the total sperm count, this means that we have 21 mil motile sperm. Only 2% are the fast one…the ones most likely to reach the egg in time. Sigh. While count is “normal”, if it were higher this would obviously increase total motile sperm. 

We decided not to try till October. It’s November. We’re still not trying. Matt lost his job so it’s hard to think about having a baby with him without employment. Where does this leave us? I don’t know. Right now, he is studying for a certification and I have classes. I’m thankful that keeps our minds preoccupied, but it doesn’t stop time. It doesn’t change the fact that we have been TTC for 17ish months now. Or that two years isn’t that far away and without a miracle or seeking medical assistance, I don’t have any real hope of anything changing. Maybe it’s for the best. In essence, life doesn’t feel like it’s moving for us. In one of my classes, we had to write down two roles we see ourselves in in ten years and steps to get there. WIth going to school, I’ve tried to figure out what I could pursue. WHat kind of career would I have if I could do anything? But you know what the only answer that came to mind when in the class was? Mother. That’s the only role I want in ten years. That’s the only role I see in ten years. (Ok yes, wife and friend and all those too). Then I sit there in class thinking, “WHat the hell am I doing in school when nothing in my heart has changed as to what I want to do with my life?” I guess I hope that if I have a job that pays good we can a) afford fertility treatment and b) our kids wont be raised poor like we both were. Other than that, I still don’t care to have a career. Although, I do think about the possibilites of being a nurse or something and going on mission trips. Or being a social working helping families adopt. I’d love either of those too. 

Random thought: I am terrified that we will never have a biological child and be forced to adopt. Not that I wouldn’t love to adopt, quite the opposite. The more the journey continues, the longer we’ve been at our church which is very encouraging of adoption, the more I love the idea. THAT scares. Maybe God is softening my heart to the idea because that is what we are called to. In that sense, I am totally and completely thrilled. But I don’t want to have only adopted children. I want at least one biological child as well. The first time I realized I would be completely happy to adopt and be able to love someone else’s child as my own is when a month or two ago I was watching a documentary on sex trafficking. There is a girls home in Indonesia for girls who’ve been trafficked. Watching those little 5 year olds….I just knew. I wanted to right then and there go get them and bring them home and show them what it means to be truly loved. For who they are. Unconditionally. And I knew, if God opened that door to do that one day, I would be overjoyed. I just don’t want that to replace the joy of seeing my husbands face in my childs one day. 

SA today

I would do anything to take my husbands place. I wish it was me. Maybe partly it is, who knows. He told me he is glad it’s him because he can actually sympathize with me because of it 😦
Breaks. My. Heart.

Yeah so I prett…

Yeah so I pretty much stopped writing. I keep thinking of all these posts to write, but I never get to it. So we’re just gonna do bullets!

• I started school this semester after being out of it for six years. It’s made life crazy, stressful and fun! I really enjoy learning and am glad for the chance to finally go to school. Now that I’ve started, I have a hard time with the idea of not finishing. But I’m not sure what will happen.
• We still haven’t heard from our insurance as to whether or not Matt is covered. If he’s not, that puts the next year a really long hold from any sort of actively trying. Oh joy.
• He has another SA next week. A lot is riding on that. If the results come back similar, we know that is the problem. If it doesn’t, either the first one was a fluke, or the vitamins have been working. I am fully prepared for it to be as bad as the first one. If it is, we do…nothing! Unless he is covered by insurance, in which case a urologist appointment? Surgery?
• He also is seriously looking into some sort of IT training class. Again. Yeah. He was supposed to do that years ago. The reality of our situation has really made him realize the importance of a good job.
• Why does God think infertility is a good thing to give to us with zero money??
• He also seems to be struggling more with our IF than I even I am lately. Again, I think it goes back to the job and lack of money thing. He feels very responsible for that. It’s all kind of connected to him. If he had a better job he’d get paid more, we’d have more money, we could afford fertility treatment, we could have a baby. That is all on his shoulders. 😦 It’s a big weight, and obviously not all true. Money doesn’t produce children.
• Vacations with family with children are painful. Even when they are the cutest kids ever. Every “Daddy!” and “Mommy!” is like a  knife to the heart.
• They become even harder when a child’s choice of movie for the whole trip is Ice Age 3. I tried to avoid ever seeing the whole thing, but it’s about the squirrel who wants to be a parent, is told he can’t be, adopts for a day…blah blah blah. Like REALLY? That movie had to be on?
• Harder yet, when one of the children there is the exact age the age the child you “should” have is. It’s probably best to not hold them very much, but don’t worry, everyone will pretend you are fine and acts like they don’t notice you avoiding the babe.
• They are also very painful when every person on vacation with you knows of your pain…and says not a word about it. What the hell. I was expressing my struggle with trying to be gracious towards them and hurt with a friend, and she said it sounds kind of like grieving a death. YES. If said families child had died earlier this year and we went on a trip and not a single person mentioned the lost child, how painful would that be for the parent? Pretty damn painful I’d guess. That is exactly what it’s like. I’ve thought about this for a couple days. I want to say, “Well, it’s not quite that intense,” but I can’t seem to actually believe that. Just because we didn’t lose a child we all knew, doesn’t mean we don’t grieve the child we are yet to hold. Doesn’t mean we don’t think about how we should have a child on the trip. It would be nice if others did too.
• All that to say, there is a lot of power in acknowledging someones pain. I’ve learned this a lot this year. Just saying, “That is really hurtful,” or “What you are going through is hard,” does wonders for any person. Try it sometimes.

 

That’s all I have time for. 🙂 Cheers.

This week I went to counseling after not going for almost two months. Last July is when I began and it’s been really good. And really hard. But at the end of each hard part, it’s always really good. I think everyone should go to counseling at some point in life because we all have serious wounds that have shaped us. Maybe who you are today isn’t the person God made you to be, maybe it’s just who you’ve become out of protection? That’s definitely me at least.

The past couple months I’ve felt a lot more solid in the ways I’ve grown and the person I’ve become/am becoming. I’ve stood up to people at work, I’ve rocked a little piece of my family system in my relationship with my mom, I’ve asked for forgiveness from people and I’ve gone to them when I’ve been hurt. These are just some of the specifics that came to my mind as I was on my way to counseling. So when I got there they (my counselor and mentor who goes too) just wanted to hear what’s been going on and how I’ve been. I just talked about relationships and things that had happened in the past months (apart from the reconciliation with my sister-in-law as they were part of that).
We talked about all that and it was so encouraging. I’ve felt different and they totally confirmed it. Paul told me I seemed freer and lighter. Beth was super excited about all that I shared. It made them think of when I started a year ago and they really encouraged me about how I’ve grown. I guess it was just great affirmation from what I had already felt but nobody had said. To hear people who have walked through it all with you and who know you to say that you’ve grown is so amazing. I left really emotional, ok I always leave emotional, but in a happy way! Ok mostly happy, as I’m still dealing with hard relationships. But I was really overwhelmed with Gods goodness to me. That he hasn’t left me! That he loves me so much more than to give me what I demand, but he gives me true freedom in him, and even better, himself. He’s shown himself in new ways to me!

Then I was really sad. How I wish all those I love could have this! How I long for my Dad to be free. To be found in Christ alone. To be known. Why was I blessed with people in my life that brought me down this hard path and not others? There is no answer. So I guess I’ll just be thankful that he has been so gracious to me, and pray that he would do so with others.

Run

Today I’m angry. This morning I switched shifts with someone so I could get off earlier so we can go to Matt’s mom’s for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. I’m still getting used to this new store and the customers. I haven’t worked early in the morning on Saturday in a while. Well, it was a constant flow of runners coming in. On ny drive in to work, I saw a large group runners.  I’m sure they were a training group. So I’m angry because I hate my job now. I hate that it’s Saturday and I could never join a training program because they are all Saturday morning. Then with all the customers at work, I’m angry because I can’t run. Last year this time I was running a lot training for my first half marathon. Back then I still believed everyone got pregnant even when they didn’t want to. So naive.  training shouldn’t be a problem right? A year later and I still think maybe that’s true for everyone, except me. I have to maximize my chances. Maybe that hard work on my body would be fine, but maybe not. So I can’t take a chance. And that pisses me off. I want to be training for another half or even full marathon. I am jealous of the freedom all these people have. To make it worse, the flow of customers became runners with babies and children. So not only can you run and conceive easily, you can run with your two month old baby, or with your three children and husband!! Life is just so great for you I’m so thrilled. Blah. While you’re at it, why don’t you complain to me about how you need to lose the baby weight. Must be soooo hard for you. Fml.

Well shit.