A list

Let’s make a list. A list of all the shit going on in my life

  • Can’t make a baby.
  • AF arrived today
  • Little sis had an ultrasound today, along with old friend who didn’t even know her hubby when we knew her.
  • Little sis still has not spoken to me and I’m pretty sure has written me off the planet. Maybe its for the best eh?
  • Gave first speech in speech class today. The speech after mine? About her 11 week old baby growing inside her. God must have got a nice laugh out of that one, and I’ll be honest, I had to laugh too.
  • This past week Matt has decided he may have testicular cancer. And to be honest, I’m not convinced he doesn’t. We are convinced he has a varicocele, but (TMI here) there is some serious hardness down there that is concerning. He needs to get to the urologist asap. He doesn’t have health insurance.
  • We are out of money. I knew this was coming, but lived blissfully unaware of how soon it would happen allowing hubby to carry that burden. Now, we can’t pay our mortgage this month. The good news is that we have a really awesome church body.
  • We had to go to the deacons for money. This was a very humbling (my first reaction is humiliating, but they are so sweet and gracious and take the humiliation away for us). They did more than just give us money, they met with us and asked us how were doing. It was sweet to have a deacon feel frustrated with us and say to us, “The world is fucked up.” Amen, my brother. Amen.
  • Matt has no job…obviously, thus the point before this. 
  • We have no relationship with our family here. My family is far away. This is both hard, leaving us to feel we are pretty alone. We have my mother-in-law and her mom, but those relationships are very shallow and not meaningful…even when we try to take them deeper. 
  • Matt has no relationship with his dad.
  • I have no relationship with my dad….although there has been some contact and I am hopeful for reconciliation in the future.
  • We have no money to have any fertility treatment.
  • We can’t make a baby…have I mentioned this one yet?
  • Our close knit group of friends is having struggles. I have no doubt we will all work things out, but its been hard the past week or two feeling like all these relationships are tangled and a mess and we really don’t know how to resolve everything.
  • Due to all of this going on, Matt and I’s relationship has been struggling. We are in a pressure cooker right now and there is constant crap coming out. It’s really not fun. 
  • Matt feels completely abandoned by God. I try to encourage him, but then I look around us and feel the exact same way.
  • He also has not received his W2s from the family member we don’t’ have a relationship with. Now we have to figure out how to contact them to ask for them.
  • This family has stopped receiving counsel from the people they were, for seemingly unnecessary reasons, leaving us to believe there is not much hope for future reconciliation anytime soon.  
  • We still  can’t make a baby.

Pardon me while I go crawl in a hole somewhere….
I believe the hole leads to watching the rest of Downton Abbey. Seems like a nice solution to me!


5 thoughts on “A list

  1. Said a prayer for you and Matt tonight. I hope your days will start looking up. I am so sorry you are having to go through so much. As if infertility weren’t hard enough. Sending hugs.

  2. Wow! Quite a list. ((HUGS)) to you and DH both first off!

    My mouth dropped open when you said the speech right after yours was about the girl’s 11 week pregnancy. I mean, how can you NOT laugh at that…and then cry…and then laugh some more? Sometimes it feels like God is playing a big fat joke on us doesn’t it?

    I love that your deacon used the F word. Sounds like you have an awesome support system in your church. I hope that you will have some clarity in the coming weeks in regards to DH’s job situation and friends and family issues. I know it makes it so much harder when you just don’t have the strong family support some other people have. It’s normal to put on strain on your own relationship, so try not to feel like you’ve failed as a couple. It’s just part of the process, and you guys WILL get through this!

  3. I am so sorry you are dealing with so much right now. (I actually feel a little crappy now about complaining in my last post!) You have so much on your plate right now, and at a pretty young age to be handling all that. I’m thinking of you. And I think that’s so awesome that your deacon said that! I’m also thinking of your husband and hoping that he is able to get checked out and that everything turns out okay. My ex bf actually had testicular cancer, but he is cancer-free now after surgery because they caught it early. I hope you don’t even have that situation at all, though. Hugs to you, and again, I’m so sorry.

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