I’ve been in a slump. Not writing…obviously. Not sure why. Once I stop, it’s a lot harder to start up again. Also, Thanksgiving and Christmas were both fairly painful to go through. We were basically alone, although Matt’s mom was with us for part of both days. We have family that lives down the street from us. But our relationship is really broken right now. The hardest part of that was my nephew. He is two and a half and I’m sure was a blast opening gifts with. Also, all my nieces that we skyped with very briefly. We did get a video from our family down the street of our nephew opening his gifts from us. It was probably my favorite gift on Christmas…and also the most painful. Not only because we were not there to watch him open it, or because it was a reminder of the broken relationship we have with his parents, but also because it was a reminder of what we are missing out in terms of not having a child on Christmas ourselves.
My little sister got married in October. She told me sometime in November that they were going to not try not prevent. I prepared myself for the worst, but of course didn’t hope it would happen…anytime soon. It did. Yes, I’m heartbroken. Yes, I’m angry. It was hard because I found out the day after AF showed up early. It was hard because that cycle I had prayed and prayed hard. I had hoped. More than I had let myself in a while. It’s always like that isn’t it? So, my little sister who has been married for three months, will give birth to a child before me who has been married for six years and wants to give birth desperately. It just isn’t fair. Why does God feel the need to torture me? The night before I found out (which was not through my sister and I still have yet to talk to her) Matt was talking about this fear that he has and it feels like it’s happening. I told him I had to face some of my worst fears this past year and God met me in them and carried me through and he would do the same for Matt. I also said I was probably on the horizon of my worst fears (only much deeper, worser! fears) all over again. I didn’t mean literally! Thankfully I know that God is faithful and he will meet me and he will carry me through again.
When I spent with time him the next morning, this verse kept coming to mind
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
The next day at my Bible study I shared about all this and the rest of my life which all seems very broken right now. Later that night I got a text from my friend with this verse. I don’t know all that he is trying to teach me through it, but it was good to have confirmation that he is with me and that he wants my heart broken, for it certainly is.