Yeah so I prett…

Yeah so I pretty much stopped writing. I keep thinking of all these posts to write, but I never get to it. So we’re just gonna do bullets!

• I started school this semester after being out of it for six years. It’s made life crazy, stressful and fun! I really enjoy learning and am glad for the chance to finally go to school. Now that I’ve started, I have a hard time with the idea of not finishing. But I’m not sure what will happen.
• We still haven’t heard from our insurance as to whether or not Matt is covered. If he’s not, that puts the next year a really long hold from any sort of actively trying. Oh joy.
• He has another SA next week. A lot is riding on that. If the results come back similar, we know that is the problem. If it doesn’t, either the first one was a fluke, or the vitamins have been working. I am fully prepared for it to be as bad as the first one. If it is, we do…nothing! Unless he is covered by insurance, in which case a urologist appointment? Surgery?
• He also is seriously looking into some sort of IT training class. Again. Yeah. He was supposed to do that years ago. The reality of our situation has really made him realize the importance of a good job.
• Why does God think infertility is a good thing to give to us with zero money??
• He also seems to be struggling more with our IF than I even I am lately. Again, I think it goes back to the job and lack of money thing. He feels very responsible for that. It’s all kind of connected to him. If he had a better job he’d get paid more, we’d have more money, we could afford fertility treatment, we could have a baby. That is all on his shoulders. 😦 It’s a big weight, and obviously not all true. Money doesn’t produce children.
• Vacations with family with children are painful. Even when they are the cutest kids ever. Every “Daddy!” and “Mommy!” is like a  knife to the heart.
• They become even harder when a child’s choice of movie for the whole trip is Ice Age 3. I tried to avoid ever seeing the whole thing, but it’s about the squirrel who wants to be a parent, is told he can’t be, adopts for a day…blah blah blah. Like REALLY? That movie had to be on?
• Harder yet, when one of the children there is the exact age the age the child you “should” have is. It’s probably best to not hold them very much, but don’t worry, everyone will pretend you are fine and acts like they don’t notice you avoiding the babe.
• They are also very painful when every person on vacation with you knows of your pain…and says not a word about it. What the hell. I was expressing my struggle with trying to be gracious towards them and hurt with a friend, and she said it sounds kind of like grieving a death. YES. If said families child had died earlier this year and we went on a trip and not a single person mentioned the lost child, how painful would that be for the parent? Pretty damn painful I’d guess. That is exactly what it’s like. I’ve thought about this for a couple days. I want to say, “Well, it’s not quite that intense,” but I can’t seem to actually believe that. Just because we didn’t lose a child we all knew, doesn’t mean we don’t grieve the child we are yet to hold. Doesn’t mean we don’t think about how we should have a child on the trip. It would be nice if others did too.
• All that to say, there is a lot of power in acknowledging someones pain. I’ve learned this a lot this year. Just saying, “That is really hurtful,” or “What you are going through is hard,” does wonders for any person. Try it sometimes.

 

That’s all I have time for. 🙂 Cheers.

Advertisement