SInce we got Matt’s SA results back, I feel like I have done nothing but research. I’ve learned a lot. Mostly about food, vitamins and herbs. The first thing I did was go to GNC and get Fertility Blend. Then I slowly added more vitamins as I learned more. I was given a bottle of pretty pricy vitamins from a guy at work who’s expecting after four year of IF (and naturally at that)! Then food; I’ve slowly been working on getting both of us to limit our caffeine intake, and eat more fruits and vegetables. We also started a gluten free diet because we are trying to figure out if Matt has a gluten intolerance (which may or may not be linked to our IF (read this). Now recently I’m working on buying more organic meat and vegetables. I browsed through the book The Infertility Cure and since have Matt on some herb and I stopped drinking iced beverages. All this is in addition to temping, OPKs and checking CM.
The past year I’ve spent a lot of time on forums which is where I’ve gotten a lot of information. I’m very grateful to have a place to go and learn from people who are more experienced or who are right there with me. It’s the one place in life I don’t feel alone. Although, often times they also scare the crap out of me to hear what some women go through.
Having said all that, this all can become overwhelming and obsessive. So what’s my point? Well my point is, I’m done. I am so so so so done. I want rest. I want my mind to be free. I’ve been really wrestling with God about all this the past week or so. Just trying to figure out what to do next; go get more testing done, keep TTC naturally or nothing? Matt currently isn’t covered by my health insurance. This month I can sign him up so I will. It won’t kick in until October though.
So I’ve decided for the next few months I’m giving up. No temping, no OPKs, no looking at my FF, no timed intercourse (hallelujah!). In October or November if nothing has changed, it’ll be off the Dr.s for us. Also, no forums. That will be really hard for me. But I know if I’m on them, I will continue to constantly be thinking about everything, even if its just about everyone else and what they’re going through. We will continue to eat healthier, as I think we should do that no matter what. But I am going to try my hardest to stop trying. I am going to let go and try to simply trust God. I was talking to a girl at work (I’m blessed to work with two other women TTC and one guy as I said who went through IF) who just had a baby about TTC and she told me they tried for almost a year and how hard it was for her and the one month she literally gave up, she got pregnant. When she went to the doctor, she didn’t even know when her LMP was! Man, that sounds impossible. I am really praying I am able to do that. But I want it to be real, not because I know everyone who gives up, gets pregnant (which sure does seem to happen all the time!) but because I trust the Lord completely and that mean whatever He decides to do these next few months is good. Even if that means Octover/November come with no baby in sight.
You are very strong to surrender the control, and you know in your heart if a break is needed. I do hope that ‘not trying’ gives you a +result as it has done with so many people. I think it’s good that you are giving yourself a time limit too. It’s not so stressful to give up controlling so much when you know you have a back-up plan at your disposal. I wish you all the best!!