I have idolized motherhood and a baby for a very long time now. This past year I’ve had to wrestle a lot with the idea that I am being punished for that. I guess because it feels like the people that I know that are moms had other things they were/wanted to be besides just a mom. But me, I only wanted that. So I wanted it too badly, and am now being punished. At least, that is how my heart lies to me. I do not believe that is true though. I do believe God is jealous for my heart. That he will stop at nothing to have it completely turned to him.
From the tears of my last stand,
To the idols broken by your loving hand,
turn me to worship the one true God I AM
From the hate of my deepest sin,
To the grace that purifies the depths within,
Lord turn me to repent what I can never mend.
There is so much pain in peace in know that he is breaking my idols. It’s very painful to walk through. To have all that I’ve ever know and wanted to be stripped of me. To feel vulnerable and exposed. To see the depths of the wickedness in my heart; that I have trusted on things other than the only One who is trustworthy. And to be faced with letting it all go. How I long to be able to say, as the men in Daniel said, even if he doesn’t deliver me, yet will I trust him. I have moments I can say that, but it’s said with much fear. As if me saying it and meaning it, means He will do it.
Knowing He is the one doing the breaking, makes my heart trust a lot easier. Knowing our inability to conceive is because He is preventing it, make me able to rest. At least, when I stop listening to all the fear in my heart and listening to the Spirit and His truth. Knowing his desire for me is good, and that good is himself and himself alone is the only thing that gives me hope.